So, once again, ask yourself what you are thankful for. I know, this year, I am especially thankful for my family and my true friends, you know, the ones who gave a shit?
Thanks again (you know who you are...), and have a good nap this afternoon.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Spanish Vocabulary Lesson For Today
CHEESE - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thanks A Lot, People...
Okay, all you people who voted for Obama, thanks very much.
We're officially fucked. Dude's got a chick dog. Looks like Lincoln doesn't think much of that.
Now if it was a Bulldog, Rottweiler, Rhodesian Ridgeback or something with a bit of biffo, America's standing in the world would still be good. Manly, you know, testosteroney. After all, we went from Clinton (let's forget he played sax) getting hummers in the Executive Office, to a hard-working cowboy who loved nothing better than driving his Ford Super Duty around his ranch, cutting shit down with power tools...
But this?
Fuck, even the French are laughing... "Ha ha haaa, ze leetle poof 'as a leetle doggie, woof woof! We weel peess all over 'dem, oui oui!"
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Intriguing Lyrics, Given The Circumstances...
Harmlessly passing your time in the grassland away
Only dimly aware of a certain unease in the air
You better watch out
There may be dogs about
I've looked over Jordan and I have seen
Things are not what they seem.
What do you get for pretending the danger's not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
Down well trodden corridors into the valley of steel
What a surprise!
A look of terminal shock in your eyes
Now things are really what they seem
No, this is no bad dream.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me down to lie
Through pastures green he leadeth me the silent waters by
With bright knives he releaseth my soul
He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places
He converteth me to lamb cutlets
For lo,m he hath great power and great hunger
When cometh the day we lowly ones
Through quiet reflection and great dedication
Master the art of karate
Lo, we shall rise up
And then we'll make the bugger's eyes water.
Blasting and bubbling I fell on his neck with a scream
Wave upon wave of demented avengers
March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream.
Have you heard the news?
The dogs are dead!
You better stay home
And do as you're told
Get out of the road if you want to grow old.
Only dimly aware of a certain unease in the air
You better watch out
There may be dogs about
I've looked over Jordan and I have seen
Things are not what they seem.
What do you get for pretending the danger's not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
Down well trodden corridors into the valley of steel
What a surprise!
A look of terminal shock in your eyes
Now things are really what they seem
No, this is no bad dream.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me down to lie
Through pastures green he leadeth me the silent waters by
With bright knives he releaseth my soul
He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places
He converteth me to lamb cutlets
For lo,m he hath great power and great hunger
When cometh the day we lowly ones
Through quiet reflection and great dedication
Master the art of karate
Lo, we shall rise up
And then we'll make the bugger's eyes water.
Blasting and bubbling I fell on his neck with a scream
Wave upon wave of demented avengers
March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream.
Have you heard the news?
The dogs are dead!
You better stay home
And do as you're told
Get out of the road if you want to grow old.
"Sheep" by Pink Floyd ("Animals" 1977)
Friday, November 07, 2008
A Sonic Assault
For those of you into the blues, and specifically blues guitarists, do you often wonder whether or not there will ever be an heir to the throne? Someone who can take over the mantle of Guitar God as Stevie Ray Vaughan and Jimi Hendrix before him? Yes, I know I am waxing lyical here...Anyway, I think we have found him.
Henry Garza of Los Lonely Boys.
You probably think of Los Lonely Boys and their breakout hit "Heaven", but if you care, you know there's more to them than that.
Personally, though I have never picked up a guitar in my life, the attached clip is a sonic masterpiece, an assault on the senses, raw, mean, nasty mind-fucking blues at its very, very best.
And if these guys are ever in town, I'm in.
"Cottonfields & Crossroads" live at the Bonnaroo Music Festival, 2004. Enjoy.
"Cottonfields & Crossroads" live at the Bonnaroo Music Festival, 2004. Enjoy.
Ten (Or More) Reasons To Love Halloween... most def NSFW
Everyone has their favorite holidays. For some it's Christmas, for others, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, Easter... Me? I'm a fan of Halloween. I'm also a dude, and occaisionally a bit of a lech. If you are a woman, and you may possibly have some form of objection to this? Too bad.
Therefore, here are my Top Ten reasons I like Halloween. With stupid captions as well. Heh heh.
Wait, wait, let me guess: porn star?
I believe we should have school uniforms in the United States:
I'll have what he's having...
Um, yeah, peace out, Bro!
In the words of Craig Morgan: "I'm Country"
This isn't your father's Navy!
Um, yeah, I wish the NFL had more Rear Judges like the one on the right! 
Nasty Angel + Jello Shots = Danger (or is it fun?)
Little Bo Peep lost more than her fucking sheep...
Never really liked Britney Spears, but have you met her slutty older sister?
Um, yeah, peace out, Bro!
In the words of Craig Morgan: "I'm Country" 
This isn't your father's Navy!
Um, yeah, I wish the NFL had more Rear Judges like the one on the right!
Nasty Angel + Jello Shots = Danger (or is it fun?)
Little Bo Peep lost more than her fucking sheep... 
Never really liked Britney Spears, but have you met her slutty older sister? Strangely enough I feel the need to start reading the Harry Potter books:
In summation, see below. No further captioning necessary. Phwoarr.
In summation, see below. No further captioning necessary. Phwoarr.Open Letter To Whoever Gives A Shit
On the morning of Monday, November 3, 2008 I was unemployed by Ameriprise Financial.
You could almost say I had it coming, after all I had given them six years of sterling service, as indicated by my mid-year and year-end ratings, the accomplishments I had made and the cost-savings and efficiency increases I had been instrumental in planning, designing and implementing.
(Hey, how about some of that $1.7 million I saved you coming this way?)
You could say I had it coming because I'm not a corporate clone. I don't play the game. I don't come with a belief system that directs me to play the game. I don't know how to effectively use the system to buttfuck another employee, the way I was buttfucked.
Jesus Christ, you didn't even spit.
My apparent naievity led me down this path. After the events in August that led to my first "warning", I thought things would change. After all, having been previously accused of racism, bigotry and harrassment (wait, I hear you laughing...), you would think I would change. Shit, I thought I had changed. But, when given the opportunity to provide feedback on the person who had accused me, and watched such feedback being written down and processed, and promised that it would be looked into, it seems it wasn't.
Because it continued.
You see, it's a two-sided deal. When you are the accuser you are protected, given advice, told how to act. When you are the accused, fuck that. You are told not to retaliate. That's all. You are not given your rights, a way to reach out, told how to act and what to do to document anything that may come at you. You are not even allowed to tell anyone, let alone seek counsel for your fears and concerns. I was told not to tell anyone, not even my wife. Shall we say the fear of God was put into me? Take a good, long look at the Individual Treatment Policy. Page Two, near the bottom. What will you see? Tell me.
Arbitration? Never heard of it.
Mediation: fucked if I know what that means.
How do you act?
Do you record every conversation with the accuser, dates times and witnesses?
Are you to never allow yourself in the same fucking room alone?
Thus, no options.
No advice.
No-one cares.
You are dirt.
Stay there.
Don't try to improve yourself.
I suppose I could, in retrospect, have played the game back, but as I have said, that's not the way I was raised. I was raised to confront an issue head on. The problem then lies in who you are confronting.
When you are confronting (unfortunately) a minority who proceeds to and succeeds in pushing your buttons on a daily basis (fuck being a hot-headed Irishman, thanks Mum!), and you retaliate, in whatever way, then you may as well just bend over, spread 'em and give me two good coughs. Because no matter what you say, you will just get that Gallic shrug of the shoulders, puppy dwag look, a smile and a barely translatable mumbled "I was just playing...". Guess things are done differently in Africa, huh?
ps - thicken up the accent a bit when you are saying that as well. More of an emotional impact that way.
Kinda sucks when you look back and you think of the times you tried to reach out and overcome cultural, national, social and religious barriers... learning about what it's like being a Muslim in America; asking questions about the Koran/Qu'uran/Quran (whatever - how many other people even give a shit enough to know how many different fucking variations of the name there are???); learning about Mali and West Africa in general; even attempting to learn some of your fucking language. Does that count for shit? Do you remember any of this? Does it even register in your fucking brain? Apparently not. Hey, just think, when you are accused of calling the guy a Bantu Tribesman, and you know that the Bantu people travelled east from Cameroun to Kenya and south through Angola, as opposed to west towards Mali, Nigeria, Sierra Leone etc, kinda doesn't add up.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bantu_people
Kinda like one plus one equals twelve. Add to the denial of that fact back in August, the fact that the statement "... if you were in a Bantu village then blah blah blah" being used almost daily against you when you are licking your Cheeto cheesy fingers, that's adding the reciprocal of a to the variance of 1.7 to the equation when a = a steaming pile of bullshit (or should it be water buffalo shit if I'm going down that path?) and 1.7 is the amount of times I got harrassed back per day.
Fuck, shit, arse, Goddamn it, now I have lost it completely.
And the worst and most disgusting part of it is, when you hear from your best friend a day later that he defended you and explained, with examples, dates and witnesses, the harrassment flipped back at you, and "they" didn't listen, the bleeding starts again. When he tells you that he was told "Oooh, Chris is in real trouble now" by the accuser, does that look like premeditation? Does that look like this was planned? Does that look like this was all being deliberately added up, plotted against, planned, stacking the deck against me? Kicking the stool out from under me?
I am hurt. Emotionally, spiritually, physically shocked, sickened and hurt by the way I was tarred and feathered and run out of fucking town. I used to love working for that company. I used to respect it as a leader in the industry. I used to be fucking well proud to tell people where I worked and what I did. Not any more. Not now. It's irrevocably tainted now. Fuck them and their efforts to promote diversity. Fuck them.
I am going to have my name cleared. I don't want my job back (well, yes I actually do but that's never going to fucking well happen), but I want to be able to tell prospective employers what happened and not have a black cloud over my name.
I am NOT a bad man. Hell, legally I'm a fucking minority as well. Check Dictionary.com if you don't believe me:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/minority
Main Entry: mi·nor·i·ty
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -ties
3 a : a part of a population differing esp. from the dominant group in some characteristics (as race, sex, or national origin) and often subject to differential treatment b : a member of a minority minorities>
You could almost say I had it coming, after all I had given them six years of sterling service, as indicated by my mid-year and year-end ratings, the accomplishments I had made and the cost-savings and efficiency increases I had been instrumental in planning, designing and implementing.
(Hey, how about some of that $1.7 million I saved you coming this way?)
You could say I had it coming because I'm not a corporate clone. I don't play the game. I don't come with a belief system that directs me to play the game. I don't know how to effectively use the system to buttfuck another employee, the way I was buttfucked.
Jesus Christ, you didn't even spit.
My apparent naievity led me down this path. After the events in August that led to my first "warning", I thought things would change. After all, having been previously accused of racism, bigotry and harrassment (wait, I hear you laughing...), you would think I would change. Shit, I thought I had changed. But, when given the opportunity to provide feedback on the person who had accused me, and watched such feedback being written down and processed, and promised that it would be looked into, it seems it wasn't.
Because it continued.
You see, it's a two-sided deal. When you are the accuser you are protected, given advice, told how to act. When you are the accused, fuck that. You are told not to retaliate. That's all. You are not given your rights, a way to reach out, told how to act and what to do to document anything that may come at you. You are not even allowed to tell anyone, let alone seek counsel for your fears and concerns. I was told not to tell anyone, not even my wife. Shall we say the fear of God was put into me? Take a good, long look at the Individual Treatment Policy. Page Two, near the bottom. What will you see? Tell me.
Arbitration? Never heard of it.
Mediation: fucked if I know what that means.
How do you act?
Do you record every conversation with the accuser, dates times and witnesses?
Are you to never allow yourself in the same fucking room alone?
Thus, no options.
No advice.
No-one cares.
You are dirt.
Stay there.
Don't try to improve yourself.
I suppose I could, in retrospect, have played the game back, but as I have said, that's not the way I was raised. I was raised to confront an issue head on. The problem then lies in who you are confronting.
When you are confronting (unfortunately) a minority who proceeds to and succeeds in pushing your buttons on a daily basis (fuck being a hot-headed Irishman, thanks Mum!), and you retaliate, in whatever way, then you may as well just bend over, spread 'em and give me two good coughs. Because no matter what you say, you will just get that Gallic shrug of the shoulders, puppy dwag look, a smile and a barely translatable mumbled "I was just playing...". Guess things are done differently in Africa, huh?
ps - thicken up the accent a bit when you are saying that as well. More of an emotional impact that way.
Kinda sucks when you look back and you think of the times you tried to reach out and overcome cultural, national, social and religious barriers... learning about what it's like being a Muslim in America; asking questions about the Koran/Qu'uran/Quran (whatever - how many other people even give a shit enough to know how many different fucking variations of the name there are???); learning about Mali and West Africa in general; even attempting to learn some of your fucking language. Does that count for shit? Do you remember any of this? Does it even register in your fucking brain? Apparently not. Hey, just think, when you are accused of calling the guy a Bantu Tribesman, and you know that the Bantu people travelled east from Cameroun to Kenya and south through Angola, as opposed to west towards Mali, Nigeria, Sierra Leone etc, kinda doesn't add up.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bantu_people
Kinda like one plus one equals twelve. Add to the denial of that fact back in August, the fact that the statement "... if you were in a Bantu village then blah blah blah" being used almost daily against you when you are licking your Cheeto cheesy fingers, that's adding the reciprocal of a to the variance of 1.7 to the equation when a = a steaming pile of bullshit (or should it be water buffalo shit if I'm going down that path?) and 1.7 is the amount of times I got harrassed back per day.
Fuck, shit, arse, Goddamn it, now I have lost it completely.
And the worst and most disgusting part of it is, when you hear from your best friend a day later that he defended you and explained, with examples, dates and witnesses, the harrassment flipped back at you, and "they" didn't listen, the bleeding starts again. When he tells you that he was told "Oooh, Chris is in real trouble now" by the accuser, does that look like premeditation? Does that look like this was planned? Does that look like this was all being deliberately added up, plotted against, planned, stacking the deck against me? Kicking the stool out from under me?
I am hurt. Emotionally, spiritually, physically shocked, sickened and hurt by the way I was tarred and feathered and run out of fucking town. I used to love working for that company. I used to respect it as a leader in the industry. I used to be fucking well proud to tell people where I worked and what I did. Not any more. Not now. It's irrevocably tainted now. Fuck them and their efforts to promote diversity. Fuck them.
I am going to have my name cleared. I don't want my job back (well, yes I actually do but that's never going to fucking well happen), but I want to be able to tell prospective employers what happened and not have a black cloud over my name.
I am NOT a bad man. Hell, legally I'm a fucking minority as well. Check Dictionary.com if you don't believe me:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/minority
Main Entry: mi·nor·i·ty
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -ties
3 a : a part of a population differing esp. from the dominant group in some characteristics (as race, sex, or national origin) and often subject to differential treatment b : a member of a minority minorities>
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Yet Another Q & A....
One Word
Not as easy as you might think! (yeah, like how do you get New Zealand to be one word?)Now copy or forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to use only one word answers (I s'pose). Be sure to send back to the person you received it from! (She'll get it...)
1. Where is your cell phone? Couch
2. Your significant other? Rock
3. Your hair? Long
4. Your mother? Mum
5. Your father? Dad
6. Your favorite thing? Chips
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your favorite drink? Leinenkugel
9. Your goal? Employment
10. What Room are you in? Basement
11. your hobby? Eating
12. Your fear? Unemployment
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
14. Where were you last night? Home
15. Something that you aren't? Employed
16. Muffins? Please
17. Wish list item? Challenger
18. Where you grew up? New Zealand
19. Last thing you did? Type
20. What are you wearing? Clothes
21. Your TV? Small
22. Your pets? Fish
23. Friends? Maybe
24. Your life? Fucked
25. Your mood? Multiple
26. Missing someone? Doug
27. Your car? Van
28. Something you're not wearing? Sweatshirt
29. Your favorite store? Liqour
32. Your favorite color? Chrome
33. When is the last time you laughed? Unknown
34. Last time you cried? Today
35. Who will resend this? No-one
36. One place that I go to over and over: Hell
37. One person who emails me regularly: Preston
38. My favorite place to eat: Big Bowl
39. One place I would like to go right now: Work
41. One TV show: Sportscenter
Yeah yeah, I know that I should have just forwarded this from my email blah blah blah but whatever. Got a problem with it? Trust me, you don't have problems.
Not as easy as you might think! (yeah, like how do you get New Zealand to be one word?)Now copy or forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to use only one word answers (I s'pose). Be sure to send back to the person you received it from! (She'll get it...)
1. Where is your cell phone? Couch
2. Your significant other? Rock
3. Your hair? Long
4. Your mother? Mum
5. Your father? Dad
6. Your favorite thing? Chips
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your favorite drink? Leinenkugel
9. Your goal? Employment
10. What Room are you in? Basement
11. your hobby? Eating
12. Your fear? Unemployment
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
14. Where were you last night? Home
15. Something that you aren't? Employed
16. Muffins? Please
17. Wish list item? Challenger
18. Where you grew up? New Zealand
19. Last thing you did? Type
20. What are you wearing? Clothes
21. Your TV? Small
22. Your pets? Fish
23. Friends? Maybe
24. Your life? Fucked
25. Your mood? Multiple
26. Missing someone? Doug
27. Your car? Van
28. Something you're not wearing? Sweatshirt
29. Your favorite store? Liqour
32. Your favorite color? Chrome
33. When is the last time you laughed? Unknown
34. Last time you cried? Today
35. Who will resend this? No-one
36. One place that I go to over and over: Hell
37. One person who emails me regularly: Preston
38. My favorite place to eat: Big Bowl
39. One place I would like to go right now: Work
41. One TV show: Sportscenter
Yeah yeah, I know that I should have just forwarded this from my email blah blah blah but whatever. Got a problem with it? Trust me, you don't have problems.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Sunday Night this and that....
Well, Keith Olbermann has just uttered the line of the season on Sunday Night Football on NBC:
Except my fucking football team stinks. I mean really - Orton driven off on a cart before halftime, S-Jax doing sweet FA then being replaced because St Louis stinks like rotten ass (sorry Dougie, but I calls it like I sees it...), Fargas, Marshall, Jones and on and on and on... Let's hope Dalls Clark can catch at least four TD's tonight and about 246 yards receiving, otherwise it's down the tubes I go (again...).
I must say, that beard looks pretty good for an infidel!
"There's nothing worse than an inconsistent Johnson."
I can only hope he's talking about Brad and the woeful Cowboys, not anything personal.
Except my fucking football team stinks. I mean really - Orton driven off on a cart before halftime, S-Jax doing sweet FA then being replaced because St Louis stinks like rotten ass (sorry Dougie, but I calls it like I sees it...), Fargas, Marshall, Jones and on and on and on... Let's hope Dalls Clark can catch at least four TD's tonight and about 246 yards receiving, otherwise it's down the tubes I go (again...).Other notes - there's nothing quite like being promoted while looking at your own corpse. "WTF?" I hear you say? Nothing, just more Cod 4 'ery...
I must say, that beard looks pretty good for an infidel!BTW - I will be glad when this election's over. Not that I can vote, but it's getting pretty fricking tedious with all these ads. Ah, but I forgot. Post-election we'll have about two months of fucking about over recounts, illegal ballots, who did waht wrong and why did whover fail then in 22 months it's time for another round of local elections.
Will the fun never end?
Saturday, November 01, 2008
50 Things You Would Love To Say Out Loud At Work
Just in time for the Year End Review process....... By November 1, we're all a bit tense.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door..........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door..........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Um, Duh.....
Please read the letter below.
We can see just how effective the Australian educational system really is...
We can see just how effective the Australian educational system really is...
Stock Market Terms Updated For 2008
CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use.
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Fuck
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories:
an action verb - John really gives a fuck
a passive verb - Mary really doesn't give a fuck
an adverb - Mary is fucking interested in John
a noun - Mary is a terrific fuck
an adjective - Mary is fucking beautiful
an interjection - Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary
a conjunction - Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
23. Anatomical Description "He's a fucking asshole"
24. Telling Time "It's five fucking thirty"
25. Business "How'd I end up with this fucking job?"
26. Maternal "Motherfucker"
27. Political "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic
"Thats not a real fucking gun" - John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll" - Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive" - Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
"What fucking map?" - Meriwether Lewis to William Clark
"Any fucking idiot could understand that" - Albert Einstein
"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck" - Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Sir Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass" - Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head" - John F. Kennedy
The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word fuck. How could anyone be offended by the word fuck?
Use it in your daily speech. It adds to your prestige.
So tell someone today — fuck you.
For your entertainment pleasure - George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words:
an action verb - John really gives a fuck
a passive verb - Mary really doesn't give a fuck
an adverb - Mary is fucking interested in John
a noun - Mary is a terrific fuck
an adjective - Mary is fucking beautiful
an interjection - Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary
a conjunction - Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
23. Anatomical Description "He's a fucking asshole"
24. Telling Time "It's five fucking thirty"
25. Business "How'd I end up with this fucking job?"
26. Maternal "Motherfucker"
27. Political "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic
"Thats not a real fucking gun" - John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll" - Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive" - Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
"What fucking map?" - Meriwether Lewis to William Clark
"Any fucking idiot could understand that" - Albert Einstein
"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck" - Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Sir Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass" - Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head" - John F. Kennedy
The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word fuck. How could anyone be offended by the word fuck?
Use it in your daily speech. It adds to your prestige.
So tell someone today — fuck you.
For your entertainment pleasure - George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words:
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Common Tools Defined
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilser which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit..."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit..."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
What's Wrong With This Plan?
I received this in an email from a friend a couple of days ago.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
I'm against the $85 BILLION bailout of AIG. Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a 'We Deserve It' dividend. To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bona fide U.S. citizens, aged
18+.
Our population is about 301 million counting every man, woman and child. So,
200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up. Now, divide 200 million, 18+ adults into $85 billion - that equals $425,000.00 each! Yes, my plan is to give that $425,000 to every adult as a 'We Deserve It' dividend.
Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So, let's assume a tax rate of 30%. Every would pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25.5 billion right back to Uncle Sam! It also means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife would have $595,000.00!
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00?
* Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved
* Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
* Put away money for college - it'll really be there
* Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs
* Buy a new car - create jobs
* Invest in the market - capital drives growth
* Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
* Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else
Remember this is for every adult U.S. citizen, 18 and older (including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehmann Brothers and every other company that is cutting back) and of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.
If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it! Instead of trickling out a puny $1,000.00 economic incentive.
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U.S. citizen!!
As for AIG - liquidate it.
* Sell off its parts.
* Let American General go back to being American General.
* Sell off the real estate.
* Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
We deserve the money and AIG doesn't. Sure it's a crazy idea, but can youimagine the coast-to-coast block party?!
How do you spell Economic Boom? W-e D-e-s-e-r-v-e I-t d-i-v-i-d-e- n-d! I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion 'We Deserve It' dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington, D.C. .
And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 billion because $25.5 billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.
Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
I'm against the $85 BILLION bailout of AIG. Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a 'We Deserve It' dividend. To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bona fide U.S. citizens, aged
18+.
Our population is about 301 million counting every man, woman and child. So,
200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up. Now, divide 200 million, 18+ adults into $85 billion - that equals $425,000.00 each! Yes, my plan is to give that $425,000 to every adult as a 'We Deserve It' dividend.
Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So, let's assume a tax rate of 30%. Every would pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25.5 billion right back to Uncle Sam! It also means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife would have $595,000.00!
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00?
* Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved
* Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
* Put away money for college - it'll really be there
* Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs
* Buy a new car - create jobs
* Invest in the market - capital drives growth
* Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
* Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else
Remember this is for every adult U.S. citizen, 18 and older (including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehmann Brothers and every other company that is cutting back) and of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.
If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it! Instead of trickling out a puny $1,000.00 economic incentive.
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U.S. citizen!!
As for AIG - liquidate it.
* Sell off its parts.
* Let American General go back to being American General.
* Sell off the real estate.
* Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
We deserve the money and AIG doesn't. Sure it's a crazy idea, but can youimagine the coast-to-coast block party?!
How do you spell Economic Boom? W-e D-e-s-e-r-v-e I-t d-i-v-i-d-e- n-d! I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion 'We Deserve It' dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington, D.C. .
And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 billion because $25.5 billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.
Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
CoD 4 shit
So I guess I got a bit bored with Team DeathMatch, I decided to branch out a bit. Now I'm way hooked on Headquarters.
The objective - capture the enemy's HQ then defend it. It will switch up on you a lot, springing the HQ in different places all over the map. In this case, in "Downpour", one of my new favorites.
There are a lot of nooks and crannies to be running around in. Lots of tough terrain. I had my ass handed to me quite a few times here... But, as you can see, I did my own share of payback:
At least I ended up victorious!
ps - current rank is Colonel with the G-36 with grenade launcher, UAV and extreme conditioning... Nice.
The objective - capture the enemy's HQ then defend it. It will switch up on you a lot, springing the HQ in different places all over the map. In this case, in "Downpour", one of my new favorites.There are a lot of nooks and crannies to be running around in. Lots of tough terrain. I had my ass handed to me quite a few times here... But, as you can see, I did my own share of payback:
At least I ended up victorious!ps - current rank is Colonel with the G-36 with grenade launcher, UAV and extreme conditioning... Nice.
Life's Random Questions
Every now and then people send you out all these questionnaire-type thingos. I kinda like them, but never usually answer them.
But now I have. Oh my God, how I have. If you have a hankering to know too much about me, read on:
Name:
Chris, Christopher (to my sister or parents or parole officer), Frosty, Snowman, Notozzie etc etc etc
Birthday:
August 15, 1975
Birthplace:
Hastings, New Zealand
Current Location:
Kitchen counter just to the right of the fish tank
Eye Color:
Green
Hair Color:
Brown, but graying rapidly.
Height:
6'1"
Right Handed or Left Handed:
A bit of both
Your Heritage:
Irish/English and a bit of Tasmanian convict stock in there as well...
The Shoes You Wore Today:
Flip flops
Your Weakness:
High heels
Your Fears:
You have nothing to fear but fear itself... or so said someone at some time
Your Perfect Pizza:
Washed down with a couple cold Sam Adams
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:
Getting to 12.59pm December 31
Your Most Overused Phrase Online:
LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up:
God, give me coffee...
Your Best Physical Feature:
My crow's feet
Your Bedtime:
Too late to be any good in the morning
Your Most Missed Memory:
Can't remember (admit it, you walked right into that one...)
Pepsi or Coke:
Coke (preferably Diet...)
MacDonalds or Burger King:
McD's
Single or Group Dates:
Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:
Long Island Iced Tea, actually
Chocolate or Vanilla:
Chocolate.....
Cappuccino or Coffee:
Coffee (preferable by the gallon-full)
Do you Smoke:
Yes, probably too much. Fact is, I'm jonesing right now...
Do you Swear:
You better fuckin' believe I Goddamn well do.
Do you Sing:
Badly
Do you Shower Daily:
I try, but sometimes a hot face-wash is all I can be bothered with...
Have you Been in Love:
Yep
Do you want to go to College:
Been there, done that
Do you want to get Married:
Seven years in and still going strong...
Do you belive in yourself:
I think so
Do you get Motion Sickness:
Nope
Do you think you are Attractive:
Damn right!
Are you a Health Freak:
Are you fucking kidding?
Do you get along with your Parents:
Yep
Do you like Thunderstorms:
Nice big thunderbangers! (see previous postings...)
But now I have. Oh my God, how I have. If you have a hankering to know too much about me, read on:
Name:
Chris, Christopher (to my sister or parents or parole officer), Frosty, Snowman, Notozzie etc etc etc
Birthday:
August 15, 1975
Birthplace:
Hastings, New Zealand
Current Location:
Kitchen counter just to the right of the fish tank
Eye Color:
Green
Hair Color:
Brown, but graying rapidly.
Height:
6'1"
Right Handed or Left Handed:
A bit of both
Your Heritage:
Irish/English and a bit of Tasmanian convict stock in there as well...
The Shoes You Wore Today:
Flip flops
Your Weakness:
High heels
Your Fears:
You have nothing to fear but fear itself... or so said someone at some time
Your Perfect Pizza:
Washed down with a couple cold Sam Adams
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:
Getting to 12.59pm December 31
Your Most Overused Phrase Online:
LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up:
God, give me coffee...
Your Best Physical Feature:
My crow's feet
Your Bedtime:
Too late to be any good in the morning
Your Most Missed Memory:
Can't remember (admit it, you walked right into that one...)
Pepsi or Coke:
Coke (preferably Diet...)
MacDonalds or Burger King:
McD's
Single or Group Dates:
Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:
Long Island Iced Tea, actually
Chocolate or Vanilla:
Chocolate.....
Cappuccino or Coffee:
Coffee (preferable by the gallon-full)
Do you Smoke:
Yes, probably too much. Fact is, I'm jonesing right now...
Do you Swear:
You better fuckin' believe I Goddamn well do.
Do you Sing:
Badly
Do you Shower Daily:
I try, but sometimes a hot face-wash is all I can be bothered with...
Have you Been in Love:
Yep
Do you want to go to College:
Been there, done that
Do you want to get Married:
Seven years in and still going strong...
Do you belive in yourself:
I think so
Do you get Motion Sickness:
Nope
Do you think you are Attractive:
Damn right!
Are you a Health Freak:
Are you fucking kidding?
Do you get along with your Parents:
Yep
Do you like Thunderstorms:
Nice big thunderbangers! (see previous postings...)
http://wtfmate-notozzie.blogspot.com/2008/07/storms.html
Do you play an Instrument:
Nope.
In the past month have you drank Alcohol:
Um, I'm a Kiwi, part Irish, part English - I was born with a deranged liver!
In the past month have you Smoked:
Like a chimney
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
Nope - none of that shit for me.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:
They are few and far between when you're married with kids... but yeah.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:
Yep, that's where the movie and the restaurant was
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
Nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:
Yich -(
In the past month have you been on Stage:
Nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:
That's called a divorce for someone in my shoes, and no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:
Nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
Nope
Ever been Drunk:
Yep! Fabulously so...
Ever been called a Tease:
What do you think, gorgeous?
Ever been Beaten up:
Shhh, don't tell. You'll ruin my tough guy image! But not without exacting revenge.
Ever Shoplifted:
Yes
How do you want to Die:
"If I die of vanity, promise me, promise me, they bury me someplace I don't want to be, you'll dig me up and transport me, unceremoniously, away from the swollen city-breeze, garbage-bag trees, whispers of disease and the acts of enormity, and lower me slowly, sadly and properly, Get Ry Cooder to sing my eulogy, At the hundredth meridian where the great plains begin..."
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:
An astronaut
What country would you most like to Visit:
New Zealand!
Favourite Eye Color:
Whatever's looking sexily at me...
Favourite Hair Color:
Doesn't matter
Short or Long Hair:
As long as it's clean, smells good, and feels good, it's all good...
Height:
Not bothered a bit
Weight:
Whatever God gave ya!
Best Clothing Style:
Relaxed
Number of Drugs I have taken:
Um, I plead the Fifth
Number of CDs I own:
Dunno - can't keep track of the piles
Number of Piercings:
None
Number of Tattoos:
One
Number of things in my Past I Regret:
Don't regret a thing - life's too short so live it!
Ocean or Lake?
Ocean - born and raised on the Pacific, now I'm a couple thousand miles away in any direction...
Pizza or Chinese?
Chinese
Mansion or Penthouse?
Mansion
Have you been on a Jet Ski?
Nope
Are you afraid of clowns?
No
How many brothers/sisters do you have?
One older sister
Favorite band/group?
The Tragically Hip
Baseball or football?
Baseball
Favorite brand of makeup?
Whatever makes my girl look good! Waffles or pancakes?
Pancakes with butter and dripping with maple syrup
Do you have an IPod?
Nope, I have a non-Ipod mp3 player. Fuck Apple.
Bike or scooter?
Bike
Ever go in a hot air balloon?
No
How will you celebrate turning 21?
With many fond memories - thanks Sammy!!!
What brand computer do you have?
Compaq
How many times have you been to DisneyWorld?
None, but I envision having to take my girls there at some stage!
Favorite city?
London, England
Ice cream or frozen yogurt?
Ice Cream
Do you think you are fat?
Maybe could use a little work...
Ever throw up in a public place?
Yep
Do you have a pool?
No
Ever drive a car?
Yes
How many times a month do you go to the movies?
Huh? That's a good one... It should be how many times a year...
Last movie you saw?
Tropic Thunder
Do you play an Instrument:
Nope.
In the past month have you drank Alcohol:
Um, I'm a Kiwi, part Irish, part English - I was born with a deranged liver!
In the past month have you Smoked:
Like a chimney
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
Nope - none of that shit for me.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:
They are few and far between when you're married with kids... but yeah.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:
Yep, that's where the movie and the restaurant was
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
Nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:
Yich -(
In the past month have you been on Stage:
Nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:
That's called a divorce for someone in my shoes, and no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:
Nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
Nope
Ever been Drunk:
Yep! Fabulously so...
Ever been called a Tease:
What do you think, gorgeous?
Ever been Beaten up:
Shhh, don't tell. You'll ruin my tough guy image! But not without exacting revenge.
Ever Shoplifted:
Yes
How do you want to Die:
"If I die of vanity, promise me, promise me, they bury me someplace I don't want to be, you'll dig me up and transport me, unceremoniously, away from the swollen city-breeze, garbage-bag trees, whispers of disease and the acts of enormity, and lower me slowly, sadly and properly, Get Ry Cooder to sing my eulogy, At the hundredth meridian where the great plains begin..."
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:
An astronaut
What country would you most like to Visit:
New Zealand!
Favourite Eye Color:
Whatever's looking sexily at me...
Favourite Hair Color:
Doesn't matter
Short or Long Hair:
As long as it's clean, smells good, and feels good, it's all good...
Height:
Not bothered a bit
Weight:
Whatever God gave ya!
Best Clothing Style:
Relaxed
Number of Drugs I have taken:
Um, I plead the Fifth
Number of CDs I own:
Dunno - can't keep track of the piles
Number of Piercings:
None
Number of Tattoos:
One
Number of things in my Past I Regret:
Don't regret a thing - life's too short so live it!
Ocean or Lake?
Ocean - born and raised on the Pacific, now I'm a couple thousand miles away in any direction...
Pizza or Chinese?
Chinese
Mansion or Penthouse?
Mansion
Have you been on a Jet Ski?
Nope
Are you afraid of clowns?
No
How many brothers/sisters do you have?
One older sister
Favorite band/group?
The Tragically Hip
Baseball or football?
Baseball
Favorite brand of makeup?
Whatever makes my girl look good! Waffles or pancakes?
Pancakes with butter and dripping with maple syrup
Do you have an IPod?
Nope, I have a non-Ipod mp3 player. Fuck Apple.
Bike or scooter?
Bike
Ever go in a hot air balloon?
No
How will you celebrate turning 21?
With many fond memories - thanks Sammy!!!
What brand computer do you have?
Compaq
How many times have you been to DisneyWorld?
None, but I envision having to take my girls there at some stage!
Favorite city?
London, England
Ice cream or frozen yogurt?
Ice Cream
Do you think you are fat?
Maybe could use a little work...
Ever throw up in a public place?
Yep
Do you have a pool?
No
Ever drive a car?
Yes
How many times a month do you go to the movies?
Huh? That's a good one... It should be how many times a year...
Last movie you saw?
Tropic Thunder
Who is your hero?
My Father (shut the fuck up...)
How old are your parents?
At this time 65 and 60
What deceased person would you like to meet?
Sir Edmund Hillary
Do you chew ice?
Yes
Have you been to California?
LAX, baby
Last book you read?
"The Day of Battle" by Rick Atkinson
Favorite teacher?Miss Kelly - 4th Form Math. Didn't learn too much though... ;)
Do you like to go fishing?
Yes, but do I catch anything?
How many boyfirends/girlfriends have you had?
A few girlfriends here and there
How many of those do you regret?
The ones whom I couldn't remember the next morning ;)
What is you average in school?
Good enough to get out!
Favorite professional team?
Minnesota Wild
Do you like mohawks?
Yes - used to have one in High School
How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Not enough
Do you floss?
I'm too uncoordinated
Do you have braces?
Used to...
What is your last thought before falling asleep?
Why do I have to get up in 5 hours?
Do you fall in love easily?
Yes
Ever have a crush and they never knew?
Yes
Do you babysit?
Nope
Ever been shot at?
Only by Cupid's arrow...
Do you work out/exercise?
Ha!
Do you have 6 pack abs?
No, I have a well-cultivated keg, thank you very much
Do you consider yourself nice?
Yes
What movie character would you like to be?
Mr Pink - he got away with it all... And I totally believe in the whole tipping thing...
Did you ever go to camp for the summer?
Nope
Ever been bit by a snake?
Nope
Have you been on a boat?
Yes
Name of friend you have known the longest?
CDK (front row, center)
Do you bite your nails?Shhh, yes
Do you like jumping on a trampoline?
Yes, but I get winded easily!
Ever break a bone?
Multiple at multiple times
Name of favorite Aunt/Uncle?
Aunty Anne (RIP...)
What is your ultimate job?
Getting paid to be myself...
Do you want to walk on the moon?
Nope - I hear it's cold up there
Can you name the seven dwarfs?
Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Nosey and that other one
Favorite TV show?
The Amazing Race
Apples or oranges?
Apples
Favorite model of car?
1949 Stepside Chevy truck
Favorite flower?
Daffodils
Favorite color?
Chrome
Besides family, ever have someone of the opp sex in your bedroom?
Every night!
Ever climb out your bedroom window?
Yes, but it was a long way down
Do you live in an apartment or house?
House
How many times in the last month have you had the hiccups?
None
Ever laugh so hard milk came out your nose?
Nope, but beer has!
How many cousins do you have?
A truckload
Do you believe in ghosts?
Nope
If you were a bird, what would you be?
Kea - look it up if you don't know (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kea)
Ever get stitches?
Yes
If you could, would you want to know what your future was going to be?
Nope, but a hint would be nice
How many kids do you want to have?
I'm "done" at two...
If you could change your name, what would it be?
Randy Cobra
Dogs or cats?
Cats
Who do you tell your problems to?
My wife
Who can your tell your secrets to and know they won't tell?
My wife, but not my kids
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes, sure happened to me!
Do you go to church?
Every now and then
Would you marry outside your religon?
Have done
Volleyball or tennis?
Tennis
How many people were at your last party?
About 8, kids, coz it was for Gretch's 5th birthday...
Ever ride in a limo?
Yes
Ever drink champagne?
Yes
Favorite dinner?
Steaks and baked potatoes, washed down with a nice, frosty beer...
Do you like blue cheese?
Only in small doses...
Have you ever gone streaking?
Nope - my goolies flopping about is not a sight for just anyone!
Do you own a gun?
Not allowed by law.
Your favorite song
That's an impossible question.
Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Yes indeed. Gotta be some way to keep my BP up.
What do you think of hot dogs?
Why should I even be thinking of hot dogs?
Favorite Christmas song?
"Silent Night"
Can you do push ups?
With assistance.
What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
Wedding ring.
Favorite hobby?
Does online gaming count as a hobby?
Do you have A.D.D.?
What's a DD? Isn't that a cup size?
What one trait do you hate about yourself?
I get grumpy too easily.
Middle Name?
Michael.
Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment ?
Why is the sky blue? If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it, does it make a sound? Why don't I have a '49 Stepside Chevy in my garage?
Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Three lots of nothing.
Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
Coffee, beer, diet soda.
Current worry?
Economic issues
Current dislikes?
The Presidential election process.
Favorite place to be?
In bed...............
How did you bring in the New Year?
Spirit Mountain, Duluth, MN
Where would you like to go?
Away from work.
Name three people who will complete this?
Huey, Dewey and Louie
Do you own slippers?
Kinda, but I wouldn't really call them... oh alright, yes.
What shirt are you wearing?
Boston Red Sox t-shirt.
Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Nope.
Can you whistle?
Yep.
Favorite color?
Chrome.
Would you be a pirate?
I could never get the beard looking good enough.
What songs do you sing in the shower?
Country. Badly.
Favorite girl's name?
Kristine.
Favorite boy's name?
Chris. Natch. Or duh, take your pick
What's in your pocket right now?
Cellphone.
Last thing that made you laugh?
Watching MXC last night.
Best bed sheets as a child?
Honestly don't remember having fancy ones...
Worst injury you've ever had?
Knocked out cold.
Do you love where you live?
If I didn't love where I live would I still be living here?
How many TV's do you have in your house.?
3
Who is your loudest friend?
Preston (in a good way...)
How many dogs do you have?
Zero.
Does someone have a crush on you?
If she did at one stage, it's done with now......
What is your favorite book?
"Fox In Socks" by Dr Suess.
What is your favorite candy?
Black licorice.
If you could have any job what would it be?
Groundskeeper at Fenway Park.
What song do you want played at your funeral?
"Amazing Grace" by the Dropkick Murphys
What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Asleep on the chair watching TV.
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
How am I going to answer all these fucking questions???
Cranium overload? Probably. 
Zone Defense Now In Play
I don't know if you have noticed, but it's getting a wee bit cooler here at night, and that means that, come October, we'll all be longing for the beaches of Cabo San Lucas.
Alright, maybe not all, but I might be.
Anyway, with this temperature change comes other changes. Changes in things living in or around your house. In my case, here come the mice.
Fuck them, I hate them. Therefore, on Sunday night, I installed the Frost Family Teir 1 Six-Zone Anti-Mouse Defensive System. And so far it's working.
Here's a picture of how my basement is laid out. I must admit, it is a very (very very) basic picture, but it gives you an idea:
Points to note: that's a real picture of me working out on my Weider 8520 Home Gym. Oh, and the beer fridge is in the bottom right-hand corner. Computer is to the left at the top where, after working out, I will be playing (badly) Call Of Duty 4.
So, as you can see, I have laid out six zones of defense. This is loosely based on the defensive strategies called into play in December 1944 by General Anthony McCauliffe and the 101st Airborne Division in their defense of the vital crossroads town of Bastogne during what is known as the Battle Of The Bulge:
Zone 1 is in the highlands. This seems to be where most of the little critters are coming from, judging from the last three day's results. I have a feeling that there is some weak point in our foundation where the water pipe goes outside for the hose. Before I go poking around up there though, I need to get the Maglite out. And I just had a shower. Maybe tomorrow.
Zone 2 is below and to the left of the dartboard (that's the red and green symbology on the wall...). There is poop on the ground there. This may be from transiting rodentia, or it may have fallen from on top of the cinder-block wall in the area of Zone 1. But, since we can never be too sure, let's whack a trap down there as well.
Now, if the wee fuckers make it past 1 and 2 and decide that they wish to have a bit of a workout, then beware Zone 3. Strategically located behind the home gym, for those mice who want a nibble before pulling the lat bar, this is your downfall.
Zone 4 is for the crafty wee buggers who decide to juke to the right and head off into our storage area. While sniffing around up there, you will run into the next line of defense. "Mmmm, I'm hungry" they say to themselves while nosing around the Christmas decorations. Well, help yourself to some peanut butter and Cheez-It's little buddy! Oh, and say "Goodbye" because it is off over the River Styx you go.
If, having made it past the corpse of your mate on top of the storage shelves, you decide to drop down over the breaker panel and head across the window-ledge towards the fridge, beware! You have now entered Zone 5. Precariously balanced on a 27-degree angle, there is no way past. If you head below, you will slip and fall to your death. If you try to take the high-line, you will invariably lose balance and land head-first on the bait, thus springing the nice, gentle steel bar that will SNAP! down on your scrawny neck.
Beer time. Nope. Zone 6, baby. Down low by the door to the fridge, alongside the baker's rack, you may think you want some crackers with your frosty beverage. You would be wrong, because those same crackers your little whiskers are twitching at are your doom.
So, effective it is, and hopefully the rodent population of the top end of Clearbrook Lane will get the idea that THEY ARE NOT FUCKING WELCOME. And if you do indeed make it past all these, I'll get you when my wife and kids start jumping up on the counter and shrieking.
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