Zone Defense Now In Play

I don't know if you have noticed, but it's getting a wee bit cooler here at night, and that means that, come October, we'll all be longing for the beaches of Cabo San Lucas.

Alright, maybe not all, but I might be.

Anyway, with this temperature change comes other changes. Changes in things living in or around your house. In my case, here come the mice.

Fuck them, I hate them. Therefore, on Sunday night, I installed the Frost Family Teir 1 Six-Zone Anti-Mouse Defensive System. And so far it's working.

Here's a picture of how my basement is laid out. I must admit, it is a very (very very) basic picture, but it gives you an idea:

Points to note: that's a real picture of me working out on my Weider 8520 Home Gym. Oh, and the beer fridge is in the bottom right-hand corner. Computer is to the left at the top where, after working out, I will be playing (badly) Call Of Duty 4.

So, as you can see, I have laid out six zones of defense. This is loosely based on the defensive strategies called into play in December 1944 by General Anthony McCauliffe and the 101st Airborne Division in their defense of the vital crossroads town of Bastogne during what is known as the Battle Of The Bulge:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_of_Bastogne

Zone 1 is in the highlands. This seems to be where most of the little critters are coming from, judging from the last three day's results. I have a feeling that there is some weak point in our foundation where the water pipe goes outside for the hose. Before I go poking around up there though, I need to get the Maglite out. And I just had a shower. Maybe tomorrow.

Zone 2 is below and to the left of the dartboard (that's the red and green symbology on the wall...). There is poop on the ground there. This may be from transiting rodentia, or it may have fallen from on top of the cinder-block wall in the area of Zone 1. But, since we can never be too sure, let's whack a trap down there as well.

Now, if the wee fuckers make it past 1 and 2 and decide that they wish to have a bit of a workout, then beware Zone 3. Strategically located behind the home gym, for those mice who want a nibble before pulling the lat bar, this is your downfall.

Zone 4 is for the crafty wee buggers who decide to juke to the right and head off into our storage area. While sniffing around up there, you will run into the next line of defense. "Mmmm, I'm hungry" they say to themselves while nosing around the Christmas decorations. Well, help yourself to some peanut butter and Cheez-It's little buddy! Oh, and say "Goodbye" because it is off over the River Styx you go.

If, having made it past the corpse of your mate on top of the storage shelves, you decide to drop down over the breaker panel and head across the window-ledge towards the fridge, beware! You have now entered Zone 5. Precariously balanced on a 27-degree angle, there is no way past. If you head below, you will slip and fall to your death. If you try to take the high-line, you will invariably lose balance and land head-first on the bait, thus springing the nice, gentle steel bar that will SNAP! down on your scrawny neck.

Beer time. Nope. Zone 6, baby. Down low by the door to the fridge, alongside the baker's rack, you may think you want some crackers with your frosty beverage. You would be wrong, because those same crackers your little whiskers are twitching at are your doom.

So, effective it is, and hopefully the rodent population of the top end of Clearbrook Lane will get the idea that THEY ARE NOT FUCKING WELCOME. And if you do indeed make it past all these, I'll get you when my wife and kids start jumping up on the counter and shrieking.