DeathKill Football League Blog #1

So, here I sit, having played King Solomon to the rest of my league...

This is now the eighth year I have been doing this Fantasy Football stuff, and my word, how it has evolved. From back in the day when it was my Brother-in-Law doing all the calculating and tracking with Excel spreadsheets, getting the scores and stats from the paper, to now - fully automated website, easy as pie. Joerg, I don't thik you got enough credit for the effort you put in.

But still the role of Commissioner is an important one. As much as one would like to automate the whole process, it still takes one guiding hand, one stern overseer to make things run correctly. Now, I don't consider myself super stern, but if I see stupid shit going on, then I will do my best to stop it. And in other cases, it is always good to open up an argument or two, for the sake of debate. After all, this is a democratic country, right? As much as Marcus may say "fuck off you foreigner" in whatever warped sense of humor he may have, like it or not I am here to stay. And yup, you agreed on me being Commish. Suck it up, big fella.

So, we're here for another season. After the fiasco that was last year's finances, it has been great to get everyone paid up for their setup fees and entry fees in advance. Makes it a hell of a lot easier for me to keep track of. The finances are the worst fucking thing about fantasy sports - figuring out who owes what, who owes what but has a little bit taken out as winnings, who wins everything and how much is outstanding that these guys need to pay to that guy who then needs to cut a check to this fella who then turns around and says "hey, use this as my entry fee for next year"... it gives a guy a headache. But, that's what I signed up to do, and I like the challenge. Pity my math sucks.

This year should be interesting. After a few years being overrun with guys from Target corporate, we have a couple of new faces, this time from my neck of the woods. No, I don't mean New Zealand, but my place of business. And by the way, to whoever wins, give Bobby or Rafferty a holler, since they are Financial Advisors, they know how to turn your $500.00 into a 126.4% increase over a three-year period, right?

Down to brass tacks - I think I had a pretty good draft, given the fact that I had the 8th pick. Not a bad pick, but I have never had the ability to get one of the top three draft picks in all my time in this league. Sure, I would love to have LJ or LT on my team, but that didn't happen, so I made the best of it. I think I got a steal in Travis Henry, and was amazed that I walked away with Reggie Bush. I have a feeling that Bush will have a better year than Brian Westbrook of the Eagles who, in our league, went six picks higher. Westbrook is playing with a questionable QB in McNabb, Bush is playing with a stud in Brees. Bush has also seen his production ramp up significantly in the latter part of last season as his experience increased and New Orleans figured out how best to use him. Like I said, I think I got a steal right there. My other sneaker pick? Jamal Lewis. How many of you out there have no idea who he played for last year? That's right. And with a powerful O-Line, Cleveland is going to fo their best to relieve the pressure on whoever their QB may be (probably Quinn) by running the ball. JL is back after a year figuring out his reconstructed ankles and is saying that he feels better than ever, making cuts he hasn't made since college, quicker acceleration etc. And he's only 28 - over the hill? I think not people... Kellen Winslow as well - if they're not handing off to Jamal, then it's a quick drop off to one of the future stud TE's. He caught the most passes as a TE last year, and this year he's only going to get better. As for the other TE's out there - Gonz hasn't done shit for the last few years for KC, and Gates for SD is only getting more and more coverage on him. Winslow's year, is what I reckon.

QB - Tom Brady, always a threat with the corp of WR's he has, and my back up is Alex Smith of San Fran, on the verge of a breakout year as he gets more experience undre his belt. No matter how many carries Frank Gore has for SF, remember half of those are dump-offs, and that counts as a pass for my QB!

Kickers - I have the most accurate in the league in Kaeding - sure he's not a Viniateri or Wilkins, but he's going to get 90% or more that are snapped to him through the bars...

My receiving corp I am not too sure on, but I think I got in well with Houshmawhatshisname from Cincy early, and a couple of quiet sleepers in the Jackson boys Darrell and Vincent. Joey Porter for Oakland, if Cuante is throwing his way, look out statistice and points, here I come.

Defensive/Special teams? I got fucked over on that pick, but I'm not bitter. We'll see. I have a feeling that some people didn't look at our scoring system before making their picks, and we'll leave it at that.

But here I seem to be, tooting my own horn. I'm not about that though. Lots of things can and will happen this year, so I will roll with the punches, wherever they may come from. Everyone in our league has the ability to have a great year, and in the end, it's the Owner that manages his team the best that wins it all.

That, and a little bit of luck.

The Joy Of Being Unwashed...

I have to admit - sometimes being all stinky-dirty is fantastic. I just got back from three days camping on the North Shore - no showers, no swimming (Lake Superior is waaaaay too cold right now...), dusty campground and Crocs.

So, here I sit, enjoying my filth. I have dirty, messy hair. I smell like a campfire. My toes are encrusted with filth. I have more whiskers than I know what to do with. My nails are a mess - dirty, ragged, broken... The only things I did on the cleanliness front are semi-regular addition of deoderant and brushing my teeth.

I have had jobs in the past where I come home covered in dirt and crap - oh, sometimes I long for the days as a landscaper, but nowadays it's the office life for me. Thus my enjoyment of the great outdoors and the filthy pleasures it brings.

You can call me "Pig Pen".

Just thought I'd share before I shower up and get back to normal...

Tree-Huggers Unite!!! (so I can get you all at once...)

Sonar banned in Navy's SoCal exercises

Tue Aug 7, 11:24 AM ET

LOS ANGELES - A federal judge has banned the Navy from using high-power sonar during exercises off the Southern California coast, ruling that the strong underwater sounds can cause widespread damage to whales and other marine mammals.
U.S. District Judge Florence-Marie Cooper issued a temporary injunction Monday, rejecting a Navy request that she dismiss a lawsuit filed by the Natural Resources Defense Council.
The council says the Navy planned to use so-called mid-frequency sonar over thousands of square miles of ocean in an area rich in marine life. The council contends the high-power sonar causes marine mammals to beach themselves and leads to other harm.
The injunction will force the Navy to comply with federal environmental laws protecting marine life, said Joel Reynolds, a senior attorney for the NRDC.
"We don't take issue with the Navy's judgment that it needs to use this technology," Reynolds said. "Our concern is when they test and train, they do so in a responsible manner."
The Navy said it would appeal the injunction, arguing that sonar is a vital tool in detecting submarines.
"To the extent this court decision prevents us from using active sonar, it potentially puts American lives and our national security at risk," the Navy's Third Fleet commander, Vice Adm. Samuel Locklear, said in a statement.
The Navy maintains that it already minimizes risks to marine life. It has monitored the ocean off Southern California for the 40 years it has employed sonar without seeing any whale injuries, the Navy said in a news release.
The Navy has planned a series of 14 training exercises using sonar. It says it has already carried out three of these and has found no evidence of strandings, injuries or behavioral disturbance to marine mammals.
Reynolds said the ban would remain in effect until his organization's lawsuit is settled.
___
Oh, watch the greenie tree-huggers rejoice! What's next? If the Navy somehow manages to detect submarines without the use of sonar, they won't be able to fire a torpedo at it in case it hits a whale, a tuna, a dolphin, some squid, herring, or krill? The Air Force won't be able to fly because they could hit some birds? What about their missiles? Heaven forbid if they were to loose one of those bad boys off in an area that may have birds in it. Oh, that's right, the whole sky may have birds in it. So, instead of firing missiles or guns at each other, we'll just have you land and throw rocks at each other. Soldiers won't be able to use their rifles in case they miss their target and take out an errant squirrel? Fuck that, ladies and gentlemen. The greenie's have gone too far.

Besides, do they really ever read or study what the Navy is doing regarding the environment? I bet not. If they did, then maybe they would take a look at this:

http://www.whalesandsonar.navy.mil/documents/Sonar_Marine_Mammal%20_Fact_Sheet.pdf

Pretty interesting reading. Looks like the Navy may actually give a shit, contrary to what the NRDC may say.

Assessing My Own Mortality

Since the I-35W bridge collapsed on Wednesday evening, I have spent a bit of time looking into my own mortality. I sit back and think, why was I not on that bridge?

You see, I should have been. Every day, I leave work at 5.45pm. Driving from my building where I park my car, I travel around the back of the Metrodome, up 11th Ave to Washington Ave, turn right across 35W then left, onto the ramp and onto the bridge. That takes twenty minutes. Twenty minutes added on to 5.45pm gives us a time of 6.05pm. Thus, at 6.05pm on Wednesday I should have, would have been on that bridge.

At 6.05pm Wednesday August 1st, 2007 the I-35W Mississippi River bridge collapsed, all 450 odd feet of it, 65 feet down into the river below.

But I wasn't on it. Why not? For some strange reason, I decided to leave ten minutes early that day. Ten minutes earlier taking me over the bridge at 5.55pm. I never leave early. If anything I leave later more often than not. But something told me to leave early that day. What is was, I do not know. I wonder what it was? Was it some internal feeling of unease? Was it some greater power watching out for me? I know my call was not as close as some, but still, it's unsettling. Some people changed their routines and ended up in the midst of that collapse, others changed their routine and missed it. Like me.

The No. 43 Cheerios/Betty Crocker Dodge, driven by Bobby Labonte, commemorated the I35W bridge tragedy Sunday at the Pennsylvania 500. The car is sponsored by Twin Cities-based General Mills.

The Death Of Free Speech (at least at work) ???

So, within the last day, the place where I work has shut down access to Blogger.com (amongst other sites...). Apparently, it falls under the category "Social Interaction and Networking", or something like that.

Please answer me this question - why is "Social Interaction" a bad thing? Why can't people network? Isn't that how you meet people of similar interests and ideas as yours? Isn't that important to the way we live our lives? Isn't that something that the values of our company should hold near and dear? Or do they want to piss off their workers even more than possible?

This is just ridiculous. In my career at work I have put up with a lot of shit, but their new internet policy is for the birds. For example, fantasy sports got shut down, as it fell under the banned category "Games". Now, games leads one to think along the lines of poker, solitaire etc. Y'know - the stuff where you have to download the game or an .exe file or something like that. A program that you have running all the time on your desktop that you play inbetween calls... Not fantasy sports. What do you do - you set a lineup, check on news and notes, perhaps email your league members here and there... You can do it on your lunch-break, or on your downtime at work. Shit, my boss even thinks that's ridiculous. How many millions of people play fantasy sports? How fucking many? Has it harmed America? Are business hours being lost to "wasted time" on such sites?

With the implementation of the new internet policy... wait a minute. I don't even think it's a new policy. I believe they updated the systems they used to use to monitor what sites are "bad"... If it was a change in policy, you would think they would have to announce it, don't you? So my question leads me to wonder, who makes these categories up? Who decides these things for the employees? Do the employees get a say in things?

The other thing that bugs me, is that when the site is blocked, it has a link to click on to get more information about your company's policy. Do you think that link takes me anywhere? That's right, it does not.

I then wondered, who do I ask about these things? My boss is leery of me doing this. He doesn't want me to get "red-flagged". Fair enough I told him, and thanks for your concern. But, what kind a place do I work for that would put someone on a watch list for asking such questions? What are they, the fuckin' Stasi? Therefore, I am going to contact Human Resources and ask. What have I got to lose? If I get dismissed or some other consequence for asking, then I take that to the Office of the Ombudsperson and state my case... If it goes there, then theere's always the threat of legal action. After all, if a guy can get unemployment benefit after telling his boss to "fuck off", I can ask the question what's behind our internet policy without fear of recrimination... It's pretty simple really... knock out any access to porn you might have. That seems to be the only bad thing we can do at work. Oh, and maybe knock out any access to Al-Jazeera or Hamas or Hezbollah or Arab Islamic radicalism or white supremacism or bomb-making, terrorism, anything like that... Or is that taking it a step too far? Is that considered anti-constitutional in not allowing freedom to express religion? I wouldn't be surprised if it is.

And, by the way, if Al-Jazeera is not blocked, these fuckers will hear about it in no short order.

Long Way From Home

There are times in everyone's lives when one realises that they are a long way from home.

In my case it's exactly 7580.31 miles between New Zealand and the United States. And I say home in a general sense of the word. My home is here, but my homeland is New Zealand.

So, the following is a copy of an email I just sent Mum and Dad a few minutes ago... A lot of things have been weighing on my mind recently about their health. A background as such: My mother has Lupus and Arthritis, and suffers the odd migraine. It's definitely not as bad as it has been in the past, and I distinctly recall the days where she was laid up in bed with the curtains tightly drawn suffering from both a head migraine, but also a stomach migraine (at least that is what she called it... ). In other words she could barely open her eyes, and could not move. But she's a fighter, strong-willed Irish RC background... Dad on the other hand is a different story. Years ago he had an operation on his varicose veins. During that operation he had an anaphalactic reaction - not to latex, or prescription medicines, a bee didn't sting him in the OR, but to the anesthetic. For more information, take a look here:

http://www.netwellness.org/question.cfm/8842.htm

Interesting (and honestly quite frightening) reading. Since that time, his heart hasn't quite been the same - neither as strong or as regular as you would like. Combine that fun fact with what happened a few yeaars ago, you start to worry. A few years ago, Dad had stomach pain. Thought it was gas, and paracetomol took care of most of it. But, it kept recurring, to the point where, finally, Dad got himself off to the doctor. That's not as easy as it may sound. Mum and Dad live in a little town of barely 800 people in the middle of New Zealand's South Island high country. It's an hour and a half drive to the nearest "city" which is really a large town - Oamaru, on the East Coast of the South Island. Fortunately, NZ has a great healthcare system, and they promptly diagnosed diverticulitis, or a twisitng of the bowel. So, Dad went in for surgery. Unfortunately, during surgery (and no, not the anesthesia, he has a Medic-Alert bracelet and file about that) the surgeons found a couple of lumpy things tucked in under the folds where his gut had twisted up. Turns out these were cancerous polyps. 8000 miles away from my homeland and I find out the old man's got cancer. Fuck. I don't exactly have a few thousand bucks laying around for a plane ticket home. What to do? Well, faith in the NZ healthcare system, my Dad's tough Pommie bearing (that's English, and not the Toff English, but the hard East End of London English, fank you very much, geezer!), and a couple words with the Good Lord above, he fought through the removal of these polyps and the subsequent tratments to the affected areas.

Now a couple of weeks ago Mum sends me the following:

We are sick of going up and down to hospitals. Len is having a colonoscopy this coming Friday. That's when they put the camera into the bowel - just hope it doesn't show any nasties this time! He's improved a hell of a lot over the last three months but it's meant having weekly blood tests which means trotting off down to the doctor - who, incidentally finished up in Kurow, two Fridays ago. I think I was her last patient. She took a biopsy off the weird patch on my lower leg! Haven't heard back about it yet. Pleased my eyes seem OK - just a few floaters and flashes. Doc at hospital in Dunedin, reckons I am rather young to be getting them and is getting me an appointment for an MRI - another trip to Dunedin - just to check what is causing some other weird vision things I've been seeing. Thinks it could be neurological. Apparently she discussed my responses to her questions, with all the other registrars, and they were all rather intrigued. Whatever. Quite looking forward to it actually as it might explain the head pains and migraines I've been having for years.

Um ,yeah, just a bit nervous... So, I have been sitting here wondering, waiting etc, desperately wanting to know more, but knowing I just have to bide my time. So tonight, I just wanted Mum and Dad to know how I've been feeling etc. I'm not good at putting these things into words, so excuse the hesitations, re-writes etc that this took. It's not exactly the way I spoke it out to myself, but Mum and Dad, here's how I'm feeling...

How are you doing... I know it's been a wee while since I last emailed you, but I have been thinking a lot about human frailty and getting older and stuff...

It seems that the most news we have had recently from you guys concerns your health - Dad going into hospital to get his heart and tubes checked out because something didn't seem quite right... Then, upon hearing that, it's back off to the hospital for his colonoscopy, oh and by the way they removed a couple of polyps to run biposy's on. Doc thinks it's going to be OK but going to hear back? Then you are in because of your headaches, taking MRI's etc... To tell you the truth it's all a bit worrying to me.

Now I appreciate you keeping me informed of what is all going on, and I am sure that as soon as you hear anything back, I will be informed in due course, and I appreciate that. Don't get me wrong. It's just hard for me to read this sometimes being so freakin' far from home, and knowing just what an effort it would be to get back home in case something was to ever go wrong etc... I just wanted to share with you the concerns I have. I hope you can understand where I am coming from as well... By no means should you stop letting me know, and don't worry about me... I'm just being a worrywort, but for some reason I always tend to think of the worst-case scenario... I think that's more due to my preference for planning things out, preparing for any and all eventualities. Or maybe I am worrying out of turn, shit, I don't know.

I just wanted to get that off my chest is all...

Oh, and when I say "I" it stands for all of us here.

Anyways, have you heard anything back about all the tests and stuff yet? If and when you do, please let me know and don't soft-soap things for my behalf. That's all I ask.

Come to think of it, we've been through this all before, so I am probably repeating myself for no good reason, but as I said above, I just wanted to let you know. Thanks for listening.

So, read and think of it what you will. That's my feelings there. I'm a long long way from home, and it won't be easy to get back if all goes to shit on a shovel, but deal with it I shall.

Smell: an addition

So, I have an addition to my favorite smells. Namely Campfire smoke.

I was camping this weekend, and realised that another of my favorites is the smell from a campfire. It permeates every fuckin' thing, but it does smell so good.

Combine that with the smell of BBQ and a good cigar, that's a three-peat that can't be beat.

Mmmm, that smell!

I like to think I have heightened olfactory senses. Sure, they may not be as good as a dog's senses, but I have a pretty good nose. So, as I sit here at my desk at work, suffering in the cloud of sharp, eye-watering, overdosed cheap-ass perfume the lady over the wall is wearing, I thought about the smells in my life that I have come to love.

Weird subject maybe, but that's me.

You may think it's going to be chock-full of the usual ones - perfume, incense etc. No. Though I am a fan of Coco Chanel.

Anyway, here they are, in no particular order:

1) Spaghetti Bolognaise simmering slowly over a low flame. Now this takes me back to my childhood... no, I'm not Sicilian and am not remembering "the old neighborhood", but I'm remembering Thursday evenings when Mum was at tennis and Dad was still at work, I would make dinner. Invariably that would be my special Spaghetti Bolognaise. Brown ground beef in olive oil, but be sure to add freshly minced cloves of garlic... but it was really the sauce that got me going - it would waft throughout the kitchen area, a nice blend of tomatoes, herbs and garlic, with a dash of red wine... Mmmmmmmm, and though I have tried many times to re-create it, it just doesn't quite smell the same as the good old days.

2) Diesel exhaust - weird. But I like the sweet-smelling cloud of blue or black smoke when a bus takes off, or a truck belches. Smells manly. If only I could bottle it! Sell it for an extreme profit.

3) BBQ - doesn't matter what's on the grill, it smells good. Smells even better during winter, as the smoke hangs around and inundates everything. Here in Minneapolis I used to walk about 15 minutes back and forth to where I parked my car on Washington Ave, and my route would take me past one of the city's firehouses. These guys grilled all the freakin' time, and in winter it was specially inviting - I could smell it for at least a two block radius either side of the firehouse. And of course, since I was walking back at just around dinner time, the ol' tummy was rumbling.

4) Fresh coffee - open a new can, breathe in, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I'd be of absolutely no use as a drug dog.

5) Cigar smoke. Otherwise known as Eau De Man. Sitting on the back deck, holding a fresh glass of Vitamin B & C (Beam and Coke for the uninitiated), wreathed in cigar smoke... perfect.

When we talk about the flip, however, there are just too many to answer. But hark back to the lady over the wall... At work we are supposed to have a policy where we are sensitive to multiple chemical sensory effects or some such bullshit. Problem is, how do you make someone aware that their $4.97 WalMart special is giving you an aneurism without coming off as an asshole? Trick is, you can't. Especially when you're stuck in an elevator. That brings me to another tangent - smelly elevators. We have a lot of "business partners" from the sub-continent who eat spicy shit all the time. Not saying that I'm not a fan of curry, but these guys sweat that shit out. And it pongs, and you get tagged with that. You can only hope, having entered an elevator where there are traces (!) of this lingering stench, that when you reach your destination, no-one else is going to get in. Because there is no way that this new person is not going to think it was you, is there?

testing video

My Top Five

The Top Five List is sacred. I can't prove it, but I think every man has one...

What is a "Top Five List" you may ask yourself? It's the top five celebrities you think are hot, for whatever reason, and the subject is absolutely sacred. Sure, guys can make fun of you for some of your selections, you can make fun of theirs. But in the end, as I have said before, the selections are sacred.

And you know what the cool thing is? I can joke about it with my wife, and she can joke back... That's important, fellas.

So, without further ado, I publish mine for the world to see. Disclaimer - they are in no particular order, and BTW, I don't care if you make fun. Go ahead. I have reasons for mine - we have a chick that can make me giggle, one who can cook for me, another who can keep me abreast of world news, one to sing for me, and one to make me feel more in touch with other cultures...

1) Aishwarya Rai - commonly considered "the most beautiful woman in the world" she is just divine. Some call her perfection, I just cite her as an example of why we cant be too critical of our friends from Bollywood.















2) Jenny McCarthy - from the day I first saw her gracing Playboy with all her charms on display, this Chicago beauty grabbed my heart. And now, even though she is hooked up with Jim Carrey, she is still the shit. Gotta love a chick that can poke fun at herself... I also think that she is a great example for other women who may struggle with their weight. Why? I read in a parenting magazine I believe it was (hey, I'm a Dad, my wife gets the mags, sometimes I read 'em... problem?) about her struggles with her weight and l,osing her baby fat etc and I though, y'know, that's pretty cool that she's open enough to talk about such issues... Oh, and her ad for Candies is strangely hot.

3) Faith Hill - damn. That's all I can say.




4) Giada DeLaurentis - this girl can cook. That's always a bonus, but when Giada does it, invariably it's with a low-cut top, and a certain twinkle in her eye... And for some strange reason, she always ends up eating alone, in an evening dress, with a glass of wine. I think that's wrong. Oh, and when she pronounces "risotto", my heart just leaps a little bit. Oh, now check out this little gem I found...

Jesus Christ - it's like food porn!

5) Rudi Bakhtiar - former CNN news anchor, now with Fox News. There's a reason I'm right wing! When you watch her pronounce certain words her lips move in wondrous ways. Witness this phenomenon here:

Oooh, I get shivers when she says "booty".....

So there we have it. Along with my new-found ability to add YouTube to the blog, the sky's the limit!!!

World Aid or Live World Aid Earth or...

Live Earth. That's it. Yet another money-grubbing event on a global scale.

This is getting ridiculous. What's the point of this international extravaganza this time? Promote awareness of the environment. Oops, I'm sorry. It's to "inspire a crusade to save the environment".

Two words. Bull. Shit.

What, watching Joss Stone sing in Johannesburg, Snoop Dogg in Hamburg, Linkin Park in Tokyo is supposed to make me more aware of the environment and how mankind is killing it? This is crap, sonny. How long have we known that the environment is fucked? How long? I believe the ozone layer bcame an issue in the 80's. And yet all of a sudden our awareness level is supposed to increase by a factor of one million because some hypocritical fuckin' musos get together to stage a global benefit concert? I don't think so. What are we supposed to do, donate? Ooh, ooh, please give my $5.00 contribution to the whales, motherfucker.

This is just one big Al fucking Gore-fest. Quick, let's all jump on the bandwagon now this fat left-wing pinko liberal greenie tree-hugger is telling us to. Where was all this love back in his Presidential campaign? Where was all the greenie save-the-Earth shit when he was running for Prez? He couldn't become President of the United States, so now he's going to become President of the fuckin' Earth?

Let's take a look back at these benefit concerts, shall we?

Live Aid in 1985. The purpose was to raise money for the starving Ethiopians, raise awareness. Worked. Lot of skinny's got fed. Unfortunately a lot of the wee fuckers ended up over here.

Farm Aid whenever the bastards complained - 1985 to present. Result? The farmers are still fucked. The only way the family farm is going to survive is if it is swallowed up by big business. I'm sorry Farmer Brown, that's the way it is. Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp can wail all they want, but face facts. You can't survive, and the money ain't coming out of my pocket. Business is business.

America: A Tribute to Heroes - 2001. Damn good job. Even if it was run by George Clooney.

Live 8 2005. What the fuck was this one about again? I just rememeber that Pink Floyd got back together to play a few songs, that was all I cared about... Oh, that's it. To pressure the G8 leaders to let the poor, downtrodden, civil-war ridden, starving, non-producing African nations off scot-free. Erase their debt? Shit, take my money and make it worthless. That's about the result of that. You borrow money to get something done, you pay it back. You can't pay it back? Bring on the heavies. Shit, when I got in trouble with the bookies I didn't have a fuckin' benefit concert. Nope, my car got repo'd and my knees got broken. That's what needs to happen on a global scale. Enough of letting people get away with it. You borrow, you pay. Simple.

Now this shit? Enough already. Yeah, right like I'm going to support this. I have a question for you - how do all these stars get to where they're playing? You think they take a fuckin' camel, or sail there? Travel in an environmental-friendly manner? I think not, pal. Nope, you jump on a plane, leaving one big-ass carbon footprint as you and 100 of your entourage travel around the world in your private planes. Hypocrites.

So no. I've had it. My awareness level of the environment is okay, thank you very much. I don't need to pansy-ass muso's telling me what I should do. Paul McCartney can piss off. "I drive a hybrid car..." Wanker.

Independence Day

While the storm clouds gather far across the sea,
Let us swear allegiance to a land that's free.
Let us all be grateful for a land so fair,
As we raise our voices in a solemn prayer:

God bless america, land that I love,
Stand beside her and guide her
Through the night with a light from above.
From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans white with foam,
God bless america,
My home sweet home.

-- irving berlin

What does Independence Day mean to you? Is it a day to reflect on the glorious history of this nation? Is it a day to watch parades and fireworks? How many of the millions of people watching fireworks tonight actually realise what it means, what they stand for? Are they in remembrance of those words in the National Anthem recalling the Stars and Stripes flying over Fort McHenry during the War of 1812, flying throughout the night, visible by "The rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air..." or are they just something to "oooh" and "aaah" at?

Now, even though I am a foreigner, not a US citizen, can't vote etc etc etc, to me, Independence Day is a special day. It is a day when we should all take a moment, maybe bow our heads in prayer if we are so inclined, and think back to the founding of our nation. I say "our nation" because, for me, this is my nation. Sure, I'm from New Zealand. But I live here now, and have done so for the last nine years. This is truly a country that I love, that I am proud of, that I am patriotic of. Is that possible? Yes, indeed it is. This is my home.

So many people seem to take this day for granted, and that peeves me off somewhat. To a lot of people, it's a day for fireworks, barbecue, friends and, most importantly, a day off work. Should it not also be a time to think just how lucky we all are? Granted, it's a time for family and fellowship, but a lot of people think the only day they should look back and be thankful is either Thanksgiving, or Memorial Day.

I can see where Memorial Day comes in, whereby we thank, honor and remember those who have either given their lives in defense of this country and the foundations upon which it stands, or serve this country in some manner of the armed forces. I can also see where Thankssgiving Day comes in, though that draws doen for a lot of people as another day off work, with the added bonus of football and a big ol' turkey. But why does the 4th of July seem so trivialised? Should we only remember our service men and women on Memorial Day? Should we only be thankful on Thanksgiving Day?

On a personal note though, I realise that yes, indeed it is a day for family and frineds. That is why, with the rest of my family out on vacation in CO, it was my friends I could turn to on this day. To Jen for sharing the afternoon with me, I thank you. To Troy and Kate, for sharing dinner and drinks with me, I thank you. And to Lisa, Scott and Katie for inviting me out to watch fireworks with them, I thank you. It was hard to be away from my falmily this 4th, but you know what? Fuck it, I haven't got it bad. Let's think about all the sevice men and women on deployment in various parts of the world who can't be with their loved ones this Independence Day. You know what though? They're trying to give others the ability to one day look back and see their own Independence Day. As George W. Bush alluded to in his speech today to WV ANG members in Matinsburg WV, there is a direct link to our fight for freedom over two hundred years ago and to what we are trying to achieve for the Iraqi and Afghan people.

Hopefully one day we can look back in pride with what we have achieved for those people as well.

THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND
words and music by Woody Guthrie

Chorus:
This land is your land, this land is my land
From California, to the New York Island
From the redwood forest, to the gulf stream waters
This land was made for you and me
As I was walking a ribbon of highway
I saw above me an endless skyway
I saw below me a golden valley
This land was made for you and me
Chorus
I've roamed and rambled and I've followed my footsteps
To the sparkling sands of her diamond deserts
And all around me a voice was sounding
This land was made for you and me
Chorus
The sun comes shining as I was strolling
The wheat fields waving and the dust clouds rolling
The fog was lifting a voice come chanting
This land was made for you and me
Chorus
As I was walkin' - I saw a sign there
And that sign said - no tresspassin'
But on the other side .... it didn't say nothin!
Now that side was made for you and me!
Chorus
In the squares of the city - In the shadow of the steeple
Near the relief office - I see my people
And some are grumblin' and some are wonderin'
If this land's still made for you and me.
Chorus (2x)

©1956 (renewed 1984), 1958 (renewed 1986) and 1970 TRO-Ludlow Music, Inc. (
BMI)

Back in the day, I myself was a victim of MySpace... friends of mine of the female variety were enamored with this guy "Texas FireFighter" - total fuckin' cheesecake poser accepted any and all female requests to be "friends"... He had all the questions in black written out on his page, all smart-like, thinking he was king shit. Consequently I had to knock him down a peg or seven...

Things that I wonder about:

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with mouth wash?

Actually, it is hand wash, commonly soft soap as that is one of the leading brands in this country. Now if, on the other hand, the aforementioned "deaf person" can pronounce words, perhaps mouth wash, but in my history (though I am not deaf, but listen to enough loud music to perhaps qualify at some point later in life's road) it was always soap. I preferred "Cleopatra" coz the ads on TV were super sexy.

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

The US Penal system is actually in dire straits financially at this point in time. Therefore, the re-use of needles is strictly enforced.

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Looks cooler.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Actually that's false, they are a lot like pork.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Is someone ever truly at the top of their game? Does someone never need to "practice" because they are so good or their skills will never degrade? No. And you sure as hell don't want that to happen to a doctor. Case in point - all these fellas who are ending up with tools in their guts, and all these malpractice suits out there in this crazy day and age, you know what the one unifying thing was behind all these? That's right - they all thought they were so good that they knew all their stuff. But one day, they lose count of the spreaders and the bicuspid valve clamps, plus a towel or two, and since it's been a while since they ever had to do anything but say something and the nurse would give it to them, they did not know what they were missing.

Insert:
Dr. Benway Operates(Excerpt from Naked Lunch)William S. Burroughs

The lavatory has been locked for three hours solid.... I think they are using it for an operating room....
NURSE: "I can't find her pulse, doctor."
DR. BENWAY: "Maybe she got it up her snatch in a finger stall."
NURSE: "Adrenalin, doctor?"
DR. BENWAY: "The night porter shot it all up for kicks." He looks around and picks up one of those rubber vacuum cups at the end of a stick they use to unstop toilets.... He advances on the patient.... "Make an incision, Doctor Limpf," he says to his appalled assistant.... "I'm going to massage the heart."Dr. Limpf shrugs and begins the incision. Dr. Benway washes the suction cup by swishing it around in the toilet-bowl....
NURSE: "Shouldn't it be sterilized, doctor?"
DR. BENWAY: "Very likely but there's no time." He sits on the suction cup like a cane seat watching his assistant make the incision.... "You young squirts couldn't lance a pimple without an electric vibrating scalpel with automatic drain and suture.... Soon we'll be operating by remote control on patients we never see.... We'll be nothing but button pushers. All the skill is going out of surgery.... All the know-how and make-do... Did I ever tell you about the time I performed an appendectomy with a rusty sardine can? And once I was caught short without instrument one and removed a uterine tumor with my teeth. That was in the Upper Effendi, and besides..."
DR. LIMPF: "The incision is ready, doctor."Dr. Benway forces the cup into the incision and works it up and down. Blood spurts all over the doctors, the nurse and the wall.... The cup makes a horrible sucking sound.
NURSE: "I think she's gone, doctor."
DR. BENWAY: "Well, it's all in the day's work." He walks across the room to a medicine cabinet.... "Some fucking drug addict has cut my cocaine with Saniflush! Nurse! Send the boy out to fill this RX on the double!"Dr. Benway is operating in an auditorium filled with students: "Now, boys, you won't see this operation performed very often and there's a reason for that.... You see it has absolutely no medical value. No one knows what the purpose of it originally was or if it had a purpose at all. Personally I think it was a pure artistic creation from the beginning."Just as a bull fighter with his skill and knowledge extricates himself from danger he has himself invoked, so in this operation the surgeon deliberately endangers his patient, and then, with incredible speed and celerity, rescues him from death at the last possible split second.... Did any of you ever see Dr. Tetrazzini perform? I say perform advisedly because his operations were performances. He would start by throwing a scalpel across the room into the patient and then make his entrance like a ballet dancer. His speed was incredible: 'I don't give them time to die,' he would say. Tumors put him in a frenzy of rage. 'Fucking undisciplined cells!' he would snarl, advancing on the tumor like a knife-fighter."A young man leaps down into the operating theatre and, whipping out a scalpel, advances on the patient.
DR. BENWAY: "An espontaneo! Stop him before he guts my patient!"(Espontaneo is a bull-fighting term for a member of the audience who leaps down into the ring, pulls out a concealed cape and attempts a few passes with the bull before he is dragged out of the ring.)The orderlies scuffle with the espontaneo, who is finally ejected from the hall. The anesthetist takes advantage of the confusion to pry a large gold filling from the patient's mouth....
THE END
>

Lack of practice, my boy, will kill. Or hurt. Another case in point - when I was a teen I had to learn the piano. And once, it had been a while since I had done any practice. So, when I sat down behind the old ivories, I did not know that the 20 lb piece of wood resting hinged back against the body of the piano was actually the cover for the keyboard, and I played with it because I didn't remember, and wham, the fucker came down and broke all my fingers.

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

That was Jim Williamson in third grade.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

asdkjfiae

Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?

You tell me (wink wink)

Do you think it's trendy for young kids in Japan to get tattoos of words written in English?

Yes, actually it is. Though the translation can be a bit out of whack - eg: the Japanse symbology for Power can be incorrectly translated into Black and Decker. But what do they know? Ah, I should be a tattoo artist in Tokyo .

Cannibalism
Do you think people taste like their ethnic background?

Hope so - I'm a bit of a chicken, and if I was a cannibal, I'd choose a porky person.

Do you think Mexican are spicy and do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into one?

See above. Also, I would caution that a glass of milk may be in order.

Chinese people are you hungry 30 minutes for more?

No speakee English. You wan' flies wit dat?

Black people do they taste like chicken?

Overgrilled and slightly charred... Where are you going with this?

White people do they taste like macaroni and cheese?

Maybe the Italians, but see above.

Squirrels
Do squirrels think that humans hang wires from poles so they can cross the street safely?

Actually it's a matter of adaptation. Familiar with Darwin 's theory of evolution perhaps?

If so, do they ever feel betrayed in the last second before being electrocuted?

Actually not - as the buzz begins they think "man this is an unexpected bonus", but when the surge hits it's like "Oh fuck, here we go again".

And what the *hell* do they make of that pair of sneakers?

It's American Gladiator all over again.

Actually you're probably wondering how I know so much as to what the squirrels may be thinking or feeling in such matters. Well, actually I consider myself somewhat of an expert. it's my field. This information was garnered through many hours of feildwork, both living and conversing in Squirrel. That combined with my Squirrel Convalescent Home I keep in my backyard.

Brain Freeze
Just what the heck is "Brain Freeze"?

Brain:
a. The portion of the vertebrate central nervous system that is enclosed within the cranium, continuous with the spinal cord, and composed of gray matter and white matter. It is the primary center for the regulation and control of bodily activities, receiving and interpreting sensory impulses, and transmitting information to the muscles and body organs. It is also the seat of consciousness, thought, memory, and emotion.
Freeze:
a. To pass from the liquid to the solid state by loss of heat.
b. To acquire a surface or coat of ice from cold: The lake froze over in January. Bridges freeze before the adjacent roads.
2. To become clogged or jammed because of the formation of ice: The pipes froze in the basement.
3. To be at that degree of temperature at which ice forms: It may freeze tonight.
4. To be killed or harmed by cold or frost: They almost froze to death. Mulch keeps garden plants from freezing.
5. To be or feel uncomfortably cold: Aren't you freezing without a coat?
a. To become fixed, stuck, or attached by or as if by frost: The lock froze up with rust.
b. To stop functioning properly, usually temporarily: My computer screen froze when I opened the infected program.
a. To become motionless or immobile, as from surprise or attentiveness: I heard a sound and froze in my tracks.
b. To become unable to act or speak, as from fear: froze in front of the audience.
8. To become rigid and inflexible; solidify: an opinion that froze into dogma.
Therefore, ice-assed cold

1) When you drink the beverage of your choice and it's soo cold that you get a brain freeze.

2) Weather description in Alaska during the winter months

"Whew this beer I just opened up after taking it out of the freezer is "ICE-ASSED COLD" now I have a brain freeze."

And why does it cause a sharp pain (not only in my head) but along the back edge of my left armpit? I've never met anyone else who gets the pain there (though I've met many who get it in their throats, and in their sinuses).

See a doctor immediately. Hmmm, on second thoughts, if you're so worried about "practice", maybe not.

George Jetson
When George Jetson lets Astro out of their sky-high-tower-house so that he can "do his business", does it just fall through the air randomly?

Dude, they're in space.

Are the drivers of passing air-cars warned away with "falling poop" signs, or do they just have to take their chances that they'll swerve in time?

Dude, they're in space.

Do the pedestrians below need umbrellas?

Dude, they're in space.

Are the pigeons impressed and/or jealous?

Actually, all the pigeons would have exploded as soon as they made their way outside of whatever space ship took them there. But really, Dude, they're in space.

Or is there a specific area at one side of the building where all the dogs go, with a roped-off "landing site" far, far below? Are there targets painted down there? Do the owners place bets on their dog's accuracy and range?

Dude, they're in space. Dude, they're in space. Dude, they're in space, and what's with this poop fascination anyway?

Cars
When I'm in the left lane doing 105 MPH, and I pass a car doing 100 MPH, why does it take longer to pass it than it does to drive past a stationary car while doing 5 MPH?

What state do you live in again? Oh, Texas . That's right, it's all NASCAR down there. Dig it.

Bubbles
Where do bubbles go when they pop?

Australia. They're full of hot air down there.

Cereal
Why does Rice Krispies cereal go SNAP? CRACKLE? POP?

Coz Whizz! Bang! Boom! was already taken

Jesus
If Jesus went to Puerto Rico and met another guy named Jesus, could you pluralize them as "Jesii?"

Way to master the English language. I'm proud.

And if they left for a weekend in Malibu and then came back, would George Lucas make a film titled "Return of the Jesii"? If so, would Jesus have to learn how to wield a lightsaber, or would he just throw his halo like Xena tosses her metal whizz-ring? Would the other Jesus have enough control over the Force to deflect it, or would it cut off his arm?

Actually it's in pre-production right now - Benicio Del Toro and that short bastard who's married to Melissa or whoever it was in "Working Girl" I think it was, you know, the one with the bad lips? Anotnio Banderas, that's it. Anyway, Jesus would be wielding a half-empty pint bottle of Tecate, and the other Jesus would be wielding a half-empty pint bottle of Cuervo. They would meet in the middle and it would be a fiesta. Now, if on the other hand it was Quentin Tarantino, John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson would have killed everybody by now and that's that. Roll credits senor.

Oh, and by the way - here's "The End Of The World" by REM

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane -
Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn -
world serves its own needs, don't misserve your own needs. Feed it up a knock,
speed, grunt no, strength no. Ladder structure clatter with fear of height,
down height. Wire in a fire, represent the seven games in a government for
hire and a combat site. Left her, wasn't coming in a hurry with the furies
breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered
crop. Look at that low plane! Fine then. Uh oh, overflow, population,
common group, but it'll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its
own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the
reverent in the right - right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright
light, feeling pretty psyched.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign tower. Slash and burn,
return, listen to yourself churn. Lock him in uniform and book burning,
blood letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate. Light a candle,
light a motive. Step down, step down. Watch a heel crush, crush. Uh oh,
this means no fear - cavalier. Renegade and steer clear! A tournament,
a tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives
and I decline.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide. Mount St. Edelite.
Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs.
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic,
slam, but neck, right? Right.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine...fine...

(It's time I had some time alone)

The Ten Commandments of Frost

Moses went up the mountain, and not just to see what he could see. I went up the mountain and came back with words for thee:

1) Thou shalt not piss J off. Ever. Even if she may be joking, it's hard to tell at times. Don't go there, pal. She'll fuck with your heart!

2) Happiness is a full tank of gas.

3) Thou shalt not get caught checking out the next-door neighbor's 17 year-old daughter and her friends when the parents are gone and they are hanging out by their pool. In bikinis. Small ones. With lotion. Not speaking from experience here, but I can't imagine the stories are true.

4) Always refine the art of "make busy" at work. This is a special skill to have. Plus, always have an "ongoning project" that you can "make busy" with.

5) Thou cannot ever have too many Fat Tires. Or potato chips.

6) What's the fuck's wrong with biggie-sizing once in a while?

7) Thou shall always have a ready hangover cure. Thou at the same time shalt not subject your friends to it. If they can't handle their booze, too fuckin' bad.

8) Thou shall try to get up earlier in the morning. And not keep hammering away at the alarm clock. In fact, thou shall remove alarm clock from general vicinity prior to going to bed.

9) Thou shall always revere the MILF.

10) Blogging is sacred.

Likes & Dislikes (as if you care...)

So, for some strange reason, I thought it prudent of me to establish a list of my likes and dislikes. Why? I don't really know. I guess I just like writing lists. This, however, will probably morph into something more than just a plain old list. A couple of reasons behind that - first, I will probably be continually adding to this on an ongoing basis, and secondly, I will attempt to put in a brief explanation of my addled reasoning.

So, with that being said, and with no particular order, here goes nothing. Or, as in one of my favorite quotes: "Fuck it, Colonel! Have the bugler sound the charge!"

Things I Like:


1) Beer - it tastes good. It goes down well. It is refreshing. And you can get it anywhere (almost). Except in the case of my favorite North American beer, Fat Tire. Why can't it be sold here? Thus, the standing order when myself, my family, or my friends are driving through the West (ie CO, NM etc) to pick me up a case or two...

2) Life-size Hot Wheels trucks - vroom vroom. Sometimes I don't truly get the point of these. Sure, some look good, then on the other hand, some look rather stupid. Whatever they look like though, they're still a lot of fun! Also very, very practical. Just think of it - you're above traffic, you're above almost anything else that is above traffic (except for the odd traffic helicopter), if there's anything in your way, it will disappear under those over-sized tires of yours, and, dependent on the amount of KC Lights you decide to apply to your truck, you'll be able to see everything at night. Shit, they're liable to see you from space!


Plus, ya gotta remember these two things: Loud Pipes Save Lives, and Bad-Ass Boyz Drive Bad-Ass Toyz!

3) White pants on women - There's just something about them. Now we have to make the assumption here that the look is pulled off correctly - ie, no unequal weight distribution, varying levels of see-through-ness, dancing in a sweaty, hot nightclub and on and on and on...

The intriguing thing about such pants is what is underneath them... You can almost always "just about" see through them, which can do wonders for a lonely guy on a long day. You ask yourself - panties or commando? And if it is the former, then there is never a VPL to get in the way. Thus the beauty! That, and the fact that you will be asking yourself the aforementioned question again and again, then trying to figure out how to a) get into them, or b) get them off...

4) Minding your own business - keeping your nose out of where it doesn't belong can be beneficial. It's also polite.

5) High heels - four inch minimum. Stripper platforms optional. The shape they bring to a woman's leg is something to behold. Oh, and when they are locked behind your neck, or the heel is scratching up and down your back...

6) Road-tripping - nothing like cruising the roads of America. Why fly everywhere when you can see some of the country you live in? However, this has morphed for me. At first, it was myself and my wife, a few packs of cigarettes, a lot of coffee and a good music selection, and we were good to go. One of my favorite trips was with Kristine back B.C. (before children) in the trusty old Neon, driving out to CO, up through WY, and back home to MN via SD. Put a lot of miles on the old car and a great time was had my all. Nowadays things are different. We have two girls now who make us alter our old ways. Gone are the cigs, and the music has changed somewhat to include such favorites as "High School Musical" and "Hannah Montana" as well as some Wiggles, a little bit of Sesame Street, and a lot of Veggie Tales. I have no problem with that though! I just think about the old days... And, with the best babysitter in the world more than willing to look after the kids overnight or for a night or three, going old school is definitely a possibility again!

7) "Heartland" rock n' roll - Mellencamp, Springsteen, GB Leighton... writing the songs that make America tick.

8) Mullets - nothing like the Mississippi Mudflap! I mean, it's a statement right? The ol' "business in the front, party in the back". It's more than just a statement, pal, it's a lifestyle! It means you have no cares, all you want to do is be free, feel the wind in your hair (but of course you don't want that hair in your eyes...).

There are so many mullet classifications out there, you'll need to look them up. But the best thing about them is the fun you can have spotting them. State Fairs, sporting events, country music festivals, even downtown Minneapolis, the buggers are everywhere!

9) Alternate routes (see #4 below) - when it's road work season and the main arteries are down to two lanes, one of which may well have another detour factored in, it's always good to have a moving, working knowledge of the back way from A to B. And when you explain to someone who was stuck in traffic for an hour plus on the way home from work the way you got home, in half an hour's less time, that's pride, baby! All it takes is a look at a map, or a practice run-through if you like that sort of thing. Me? I do. I'm kinda anal that way...

10) Cowbell - the world needs more cowbell.

Things I Don't Like:

1) Fat people who eat fatty things - look after yourself for God's sake! When you're 400lb and have trouble walking because you're fat and out of shape, do you really need that Code Red, Baby Ruth and those Pringles for a mid-afternoon snack? Expecially after you went out and burned through 1200 calories at Chipotle for lunch, on top of the two servings of Farmer's Eggs w/ Hollandaise sauce you had for breakfast? I saw you in the smoking lounge... But then I get to thinking, maybe they have a hereditary problem and can't burn off the pounds? But that then leads me to think about "Celebrity Fit Club" and "The Biggest Loser" and shows like those, which then dispels that notion. And we're back to square one.

2) The need to be "PC" and not call fat people "fat people" and the like - fuck that. Call it like I see it. Being PC is so much bullshit, but at the same time it's understandable. However, at the same time it's not. Confused? See, so am I. Sure, I won't call you a fat-ass to your face, and I may not talk about you that way to my friends, but can I think it? Sure can and sure am. But wait, let's see what the gool old Wikipedia says about it:

Political correctness (often abbreviated to PC) is a term used to describe language or behavior that is intended, or said to be intended, to provide a minimum of offense, particularly to racial, cultural, or other identity groups. A text that conforms to the ideals of political correctness is said to be politically correct.
The term "political correctness" is used almost exclusively in a pejorative sense.[1] However, terms such as inclusive language and civility are often used to praise language that is seen by critics as "politically correct".[2] [3] Those who use the term in a critical fashion often express a concern about the dilution of freedom of speech, intolerance of language, and the avoidance of a discussion of social problems.
The existence of PC has been alleged and denounced by conservative, liberal, and other commentators.[4] The term itself and its usage, however, is hotly contested. Some commentators, usually on the political left, have argued that the term "political correctness" is a straw man invented by the New Right to discredit what they consider progressive social change, especially around issues of race and gender.[5]

Hmph. Not a lot there about fat people. But I do concur with the fact that it has been denounced by Conservatives.

3) Southern Comfort - the smell of it just makes me gag. All because I disrespected the liquor one night in my younger days. Still, I think it tasted like shit anyway.


4) Road work season (see #9 above) - there are two seasons in Minnesota, winter and road contruction. Let's close the eastbound bridge from here to here, and let's reduce the detour to one lane while we dig up the road to install new sewer lines that, oh bugger, we ran out of funding and will have to shelve that project to next summer.


Wanna see how bad it gets? Take a look at the map:







Gridlock everywhere. Frustrations are high. Not too many ways around the green bits without running into an orange diamond.But, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Please refer to #4 in "Likes".


5) Lack of music - can't stand it. Need the noise, especially when I am grinding hard at work, it just keeps me going, gives me a rhythm to work to, keeps me alive. I have a feeling, however, that our boss is going to stop us using mp3's and headphones here at work. When that happens I am going to go into cardiac arrest. The only thing to cure me will be ear buds inserted into my ears, the volume turned up, and The Goodyear Pimps injected into my system.


6) Road rage and/or bad drivers - get off my ass, punk! Oh, and to the person in front of me driving 35mph in a 50mph zone, with absolutely no-one in front of you, please, it's the long rectangular pedal to the right. Yes, that's it, press down on it a little. See how the car speeds up? Cool, huh?


There is absolutely no reason to get pissed at someone about driving. And nowadays you don't know when they're gonna pop their Glock and put a cap in yo' ass, you disrespectin' muthafucka!

However, the worst is when it's a Buick. Because it's never just a Buick, it's always "a fuckin' Buick!!!". This is where patience comes in. Find your Zen place. Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax.

7) Nosey-parkers - if I want to talk to you about something, I will. If I don't, I won't. Therefore, if it doesn't concern you, please go back to what you were doing. Thank you.

8) Elevator button-pushers - this bugs the living fuck out of me. Example: I'm two steps behind you, you can see me in your peripheral vision, yet upon entering the elevator your hand whips out and strikes the door close button. Fuck you. The best thing is with the elevators in my buildign here at work - you pick the floor you are going to, and they direct you to the elevator you are going up or down in. Multiple people meand multiple floors. Therefore, if you are in the elevator, going to the 7th floor, and you see the fourth floor selection light up, it would be safe to assume that someone else is getting in the elevator. Yet you still press the button. Is it going to make that much of a difference to your day whether you get to your destination 7.36 seconds faster than you would have had you let the other person on? Probably not. Keep away from the buttons. Oh, and when I'm halfway out the door on fourth floor and you're already smashign the door close button - that's right about when I find an excuse to stand in the door and carry out a conversation with someone else in there. That's right, just to piss you off.


9) Rice rockets - fuckin things. Blatting around with no
shocks, a fart can that Andre the Giant could fit his head in, and a wing that comes at least three feet off your back deck is so important. Add to this the fact that you must recline your seat back to around 60 degrees of angle and you're rolling. Plus, the obligatory tach (often mounted outside the cockpit) and contrast-colored wiper blades. You're a fuckin' idiot. Give Daddy his money back and get a fuckin' job.

My favorite rice rockets, however, are the total beater cars... for even more detail on these and the multiple types, take a look at http://www.riceboypage.com/index.html.



10) Fauxhawks (aka Gayhawks) - WTF with this haircut? If you're going to get a mohawk, do it properly: Number zero back and sides up to a 1-2" strip across the top... Enough already with this styling the hair up into the middle. What are you trying to do, reduce wind resistance? And I don't care if you think Beckham's a fuckin' God, he still has a fauxhawk, is a confirmed "metrosexual" poofter, and he plays soccer. 'Nuff said.




11) Malfunctioning alarm clocks - well, at least I think it malfunctioned. It certainly didn't function correctly when I pushed it off the nightstand.

Thank You For Remaining On Hold

Goddamn how I love interactive voice menus!

Why do I say this? because, right now I am on hold for an indeterminable length of time with the Massachusetts Department of Licensing.

"Thank you for holding. You call will be answered by the next available representative".

Bullshit. After twelve minutes I have been hung up on twice as the phone rang. Apparently someone there doesn't know how to answer the phone. Or, just doesn't want to answer the bloody thing. Okay, here we go again... will I be hung up on? Will I get through to someone? It's like playing Russian Roulette with a telephone...

Still waiting.

Still.....

Anyway, the point is just how frustrating phone menus can be. As I said, right now I'm on hold with MA, but I also have to deal with other State licensing bureaus as part of my job. Some are great! I just love getting through to one of the Southern states (GA, NC etc) and getting a breathy, young-sounding chick with that "Yes Y'all" drawl... But, you never know. I have tried to call the CA DOI before - their phone menu is a black hole. After about 15 minutes navigating my way through the menu, I finally realised there is not one option available to me that would allow the rational conversation between two human beings... At that point in my work career, my boss and other blowhards were breathing down my neck, trying to get me to speed up the licensing process of one of our sales managers. Try as I might to explain to them the vagaries of California's phone system, they just kept pushing and pushing me to get shit done.

Long story short, the license finally came through, but the people yomping at me to get it done never listened to my cautionary tales... Until, just a week or two ago, my boss decided to try and help me out and call CA about another manager (same kind of situation). Needless to say, I warned him, a couple of times, but in all his blow-hardery he just dismissed me and thought he was better.

Ha ha.

I still see the look on his face when he turned around to me after his first (and last) twenty minute interlude and, stammering, exclaimed how horrible California's menu was. I asked him if he ever talked to anyone (all the while chortling to myself), and he just sputtered away about how there "was no option... there was no option!!!".

Phone menus these days have gotten waaaaaay to complicated.

Thank you for call the Department of This and That. Please listen to the following options:

If you know your party's extension, please enter it now, followed by the pound sign.

If you don't know your party's extension, but would like to try and find it on our list, good fuckin' luck pal. The name may sound like Smith but is probably spelled with a silent "p" at the start, and has a "y" thrown in there for good measure. You'll never find the name, but you're welcome to try.

If you wish to speak to a representative from Blah Blah, please have your account number, PIN, mother's maiden name, breed of your neighbour's dog... no not that one, we mean the one that got run over by the milk truck. Yeah, that one.

If you would prefer to speak to a representative from the Flim Flam division, they're all out to lunch.

Please press 7, followed by the pund sign really really quickly if you'd like to be transferred to some motherfucker in Bombay who can barely speak English, is probably named Sitesh but will call himself "Chuck" just to make you more at ease. Once you get hold of Chuck, he will repeat your question incorrectly back to you then put you on hold. Again. And if, by chance he gets back to you, you will be accidentally hung up on.

Press 23. Why? We don't know. it's an option though.

For the Complaints Department, please send them an email. Which they won't answer.

If you would like to hear any of these menu options agai....click.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, the good old stand-by "If you are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line" is becoming about as rare as the Dodo these days.

Oooh! Oooh! I completely forgot about the ones that have you speak into them! Those are the fuckin' best!!! Because, as a guarantee, they won't understand you. And, knowing your luck, you've got a lisp. Walk away, pal!

Seems like we're stuck with it. And with the off-shoring of America, it's only going to get worse.