Back in the day, I myself was a victim of MySpace... friends of mine of the female variety were enamored with this guy "Texas FireFighter" - total fuckin' cheesecake poser accepted any and all female requests to be "friends"... He had all the questions in black written out on his page, all smart-like, thinking he was king shit. Consequently I had to knock him down a peg or seven...

Things that I wonder about:

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with mouth wash?

Actually, it is hand wash, commonly soft soap as that is one of the leading brands in this country. Now if, on the other hand, the aforementioned "deaf person" can pronounce words, perhaps mouth wash, but in my history (though I am not deaf, but listen to enough loud music to perhaps qualify at some point later in life's road) it was always soap. I preferred "Cleopatra" coz the ads on TV were super sexy.

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

The US Penal system is actually in dire straits financially at this point in time. Therefore, the re-use of needles is strictly enforced.

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Looks cooler.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Actually that's false, they are a lot like pork.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Is someone ever truly at the top of their game? Does someone never need to "practice" because they are so good or their skills will never degrade? No. And you sure as hell don't want that to happen to a doctor. Case in point - all these fellas who are ending up with tools in their guts, and all these malpractice suits out there in this crazy day and age, you know what the one unifying thing was behind all these? That's right - they all thought they were so good that they knew all their stuff. But one day, they lose count of the spreaders and the bicuspid valve clamps, plus a towel or two, and since it's been a while since they ever had to do anything but say something and the nurse would give it to them, they did not know what they were missing.

Insert:
Dr. Benway Operates(Excerpt from Naked Lunch)William S. Burroughs

The lavatory has been locked for three hours solid.... I think they are using it for an operating room....
NURSE: "I can't find her pulse, doctor."
DR. BENWAY: "Maybe she got it up her snatch in a finger stall."
NURSE: "Adrenalin, doctor?"
DR. BENWAY: "The night porter shot it all up for kicks." He looks around and picks up one of those rubber vacuum cups at the end of a stick they use to unstop toilets.... He advances on the patient.... "Make an incision, Doctor Limpf," he says to his appalled assistant.... "I'm going to massage the heart."Dr. Limpf shrugs and begins the incision. Dr. Benway washes the suction cup by swishing it around in the toilet-bowl....
NURSE: "Shouldn't it be sterilized, doctor?"
DR. BENWAY: "Very likely but there's no time." He sits on the suction cup like a cane seat watching his assistant make the incision.... "You young squirts couldn't lance a pimple without an electric vibrating scalpel with automatic drain and suture.... Soon we'll be operating by remote control on patients we never see.... We'll be nothing but button pushers. All the skill is going out of surgery.... All the know-how and make-do... Did I ever tell you about the time I performed an appendectomy with a rusty sardine can? And once I was caught short without instrument one and removed a uterine tumor with my teeth. That was in the Upper Effendi, and besides..."
DR. LIMPF: "The incision is ready, doctor."Dr. Benway forces the cup into the incision and works it up and down. Blood spurts all over the doctors, the nurse and the wall.... The cup makes a horrible sucking sound.
NURSE: "I think she's gone, doctor."
DR. BENWAY: "Well, it's all in the day's work." He walks across the room to a medicine cabinet.... "Some fucking drug addict has cut my cocaine with Saniflush! Nurse! Send the boy out to fill this RX on the double!"Dr. Benway is operating in an auditorium filled with students: "Now, boys, you won't see this operation performed very often and there's a reason for that.... You see it has absolutely no medical value. No one knows what the purpose of it originally was or if it had a purpose at all. Personally I think it was a pure artistic creation from the beginning."Just as a bull fighter with his skill and knowledge extricates himself from danger he has himself invoked, so in this operation the surgeon deliberately endangers his patient, and then, with incredible speed and celerity, rescues him from death at the last possible split second.... Did any of you ever see Dr. Tetrazzini perform? I say perform advisedly because his operations were performances. He would start by throwing a scalpel across the room into the patient and then make his entrance like a ballet dancer. His speed was incredible: 'I don't give them time to die,' he would say. Tumors put him in a frenzy of rage. 'Fucking undisciplined cells!' he would snarl, advancing on the tumor like a knife-fighter."A young man leaps down into the operating theatre and, whipping out a scalpel, advances on the patient.
DR. BENWAY: "An espontaneo! Stop him before he guts my patient!"(Espontaneo is a bull-fighting term for a member of the audience who leaps down into the ring, pulls out a concealed cape and attempts a few passes with the bull before he is dragged out of the ring.)The orderlies scuffle with the espontaneo, who is finally ejected from the hall. The anesthetist takes advantage of the confusion to pry a large gold filling from the patient's mouth....
THE END
>

Lack of practice, my boy, will kill. Or hurt. Another case in point - when I was a teen I had to learn the piano. And once, it had been a while since I had done any practice. So, when I sat down behind the old ivories, I did not know that the 20 lb piece of wood resting hinged back against the body of the piano was actually the cover for the keyboard, and I played with it because I didn't remember, and wham, the fucker came down and broke all my fingers.

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

That was Jim Williamson in third grade.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

asdkjfiae

Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?

You tell me (wink wink)

Do you think it's trendy for young kids in Japan to get tattoos of words written in English?

Yes, actually it is. Though the translation can be a bit out of whack - eg: the Japanse symbology for Power can be incorrectly translated into Black and Decker. But what do they know? Ah, I should be a tattoo artist in Tokyo .

Cannibalism
Do you think people taste like their ethnic background?

Hope so - I'm a bit of a chicken, and if I was a cannibal, I'd choose a porky person.

Do you think Mexican are spicy and do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into one?

See above. Also, I would caution that a glass of milk may be in order.

Chinese people are you hungry 30 minutes for more?

No speakee English. You wan' flies wit dat?

Black people do they taste like chicken?

Overgrilled and slightly charred... Where are you going with this?

White people do they taste like macaroni and cheese?

Maybe the Italians, but see above.

Squirrels
Do squirrels think that humans hang wires from poles so they can cross the street safely?

Actually it's a matter of adaptation. Familiar with Darwin 's theory of evolution perhaps?

If so, do they ever feel betrayed in the last second before being electrocuted?

Actually not - as the buzz begins they think "man this is an unexpected bonus", but when the surge hits it's like "Oh fuck, here we go again".

And what the *hell* do they make of that pair of sneakers?

It's American Gladiator all over again.

Actually you're probably wondering how I know so much as to what the squirrels may be thinking or feeling in such matters. Well, actually I consider myself somewhat of an expert. it's my field. This information was garnered through many hours of feildwork, both living and conversing in Squirrel. That combined with my Squirrel Convalescent Home I keep in my backyard.

Brain Freeze
Just what the heck is "Brain Freeze"?

Brain:
a. The portion of the vertebrate central nervous system that is enclosed within the cranium, continuous with the spinal cord, and composed of gray matter and white matter. It is the primary center for the regulation and control of bodily activities, receiving and interpreting sensory impulses, and transmitting information to the muscles and body organs. It is also the seat of consciousness, thought, memory, and emotion.
Freeze:
a. To pass from the liquid to the solid state by loss of heat.
b. To acquire a surface or coat of ice from cold: The lake froze over in January. Bridges freeze before the adjacent roads.
2. To become clogged or jammed because of the formation of ice: The pipes froze in the basement.
3. To be at that degree of temperature at which ice forms: It may freeze tonight.
4. To be killed or harmed by cold or frost: They almost froze to death. Mulch keeps garden plants from freezing.
5. To be or feel uncomfortably cold: Aren't you freezing without a coat?
a. To become fixed, stuck, or attached by or as if by frost: The lock froze up with rust.
b. To stop functioning properly, usually temporarily: My computer screen froze when I opened the infected program.
a. To become motionless or immobile, as from surprise or attentiveness: I heard a sound and froze in my tracks.
b. To become unable to act or speak, as from fear: froze in front of the audience.
8. To become rigid and inflexible; solidify: an opinion that froze into dogma.
Therefore, ice-assed cold

1) When you drink the beverage of your choice and it's soo cold that you get a brain freeze.

2) Weather description in Alaska during the winter months

"Whew this beer I just opened up after taking it out of the freezer is "ICE-ASSED COLD" now I have a brain freeze."

And why does it cause a sharp pain (not only in my head) but along the back edge of my left armpit? I've never met anyone else who gets the pain there (though I've met many who get it in their throats, and in their sinuses).

See a doctor immediately. Hmmm, on second thoughts, if you're so worried about "practice", maybe not.

George Jetson
When George Jetson lets Astro out of their sky-high-tower-house so that he can "do his business", does it just fall through the air randomly?

Dude, they're in space.

Are the drivers of passing air-cars warned away with "falling poop" signs, or do they just have to take their chances that they'll swerve in time?

Dude, they're in space.

Do the pedestrians below need umbrellas?

Dude, they're in space.

Are the pigeons impressed and/or jealous?

Actually, all the pigeons would have exploded as soon as they made their way outside of whatever space ship took them there. But really, Dude, they're in space.

Or is there a specific area at one side of the building where all the dogs go, with a roped-off "landing site" far, far below? Are there targets painted down there? Do the owners place bets on their dog's accuracy and range?

Dude, they're in space. Dude, they're in space. Dude, they're in space, and what's with this poop fascination anyway?

Cars
When I'm in the left lane doing 105 MPH, and I pass a car doing 100 MPH, why does it take longer to pass it than it does to drive past a stationary car while doing 5 MPH?

What state do you live in again? Oh, Texas . That's right, it's all NASCAR down there. Dig it.

Bubbles
Where do bubbles go when they pop?

Australia. They're full of hot air down there.

Cereal
Why does Rice Krispies cereal go SNAP? CRACKLE? POP?

Coz Whizz! Bang! Boom! was already taken

Jesus
If Jesus went to Puerto Rico and met another guy named Jesus, could you pluralize them as "Jesii?"

Way to master the English language. I'm proud.

And if they left for a weekend in Malibu and then came back, would George Lucas make a film titled "Return of the Jesii"? If so, would Jesus have to learn how to wield a lightsaber, or would he just throw his halo like Xena tosses her metal whizz-ring? Would the other Jesus have enough control over the Force to deflect it, or would it cut off his arm?

Actually it's in pre-production right now - Benicio Del Toro and that short bastard who's married to Melissa or whoever it was in "Working Girl" I think it was, you know, the one with the bad lips? Anotnio Banderas, that's it. Anyway, Jesus would be wielding a half-empty pint bottle of Tecate, and the other Jesus would be wielding a half-empty pint bottle of Cuervo. They would meet in the middle and it would be a fiesta. Now, if on the other hand it was Quentin Tarantino, John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson would have killed everybody by now and that's that. Roll credits senor.

Oh, and by the way - here's "The End Of The World" by REM

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane -
Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn -
world serves its own needs, don't misserve your own needs. Feed it up a knock,
speed, grunt no, strength no. Ladder structure clatter with fear of height,
down height. Wire in a fire, represent the seven games in a government for
hire and a combat site. Left her, wasn't coming in a hurry with the furies
breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered
crop. Look at that low plane! Fine then. Uh oh, overflow, population,
common group, but it'll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its
own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the
reverent in the right - right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright
light, feeling pretty psyched.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign tower. Slash and burn,
return, listen to yourself churn. Lock him in uniform and book burning,
blood letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate. Light a candle,
light a motive. Step down, step down. Watch a heel crush, crush. Uh oh,
this means no fear - cavalier. Renegade and steer clear! A tournament,
a tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives
and I decline.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide. Mount St. Edelite.
Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs.
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic,
slam, but neck, right? Right.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine...fine...

(It's time I had some time alone)