So, once again, ask yourself what you are thankful for. I know, this year, I am especially thankful for my family and my true friends, you know, the ones who gave a shit?
Thanks again (you know who you are...), and have a good nap this afternoon.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Spanish Vocabulary Lesson For Today
CHEESE - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thanks A Lot, People...
Okay, all you people who voted for Obama, thanks very much.
We're officially fucked. Dude's got a chick dog. Looks like Lincoln doesn't think much of that.
Now if it was a Bulldog, Rottweiler, Rhodesian Ridgeback or something with a bit of biffo, America's standing in the world would still be good. Manly, you know, testosteroney. After all, we went from Clinton (let's forget he played sax) getting hummers in the Executive Office, to a hard-working cowboy who loved nothing better than driving his Ford Super Duty around his ranch, cutting shit down with power tools...
But this?
Fuck, even the French are laughing... "Ha ha haaa, ze leetle poof 'as a leetle doggie, woof woof! We weel peess all over 'dem, oui oui!"
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Intriguing Lyrics, Given The Circumstances...
Harmlessly passing your time in the grassland away
Only dimly aware of a certain unease in the air
You better watch out
There may be dogs about
I've looked over Jordan and I have seen
Things are not what they seem.
What do you get for pretending the danger's not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
Down well trodden corridors into the valley of steel
What a surprise!
A look of terminal shock in your eyes
Now things are really what they seem
No, this is no bad dream.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me down to lie
Through pastures green he leadeth me the silent waters by
With bright knives he releaseth my soul
He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places
He converteth me to lamb cutlets
For lo,m he hath great power and great hunger
When cometh the day we lowly ones
Through quiet reflection and great dedication
Master the art of karate
Lo, we shall rise up
And then we'll make the bugger's eyes water.
Blasting and bubbling I fell on his neck with a scream
Wave upon wave of demented avengers
March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream.
Have you heard the news?
The dogs are dead!
You better stay home
And do as you're told
Get out of the road if you want to grow old.
Only dimly aware of a certain unease in the air
You better watch out
There may be dogs about
I've looked over Jordan and I have seen
Things are not what they seem.
What do you get for pretending the danger's not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
Down well trodden corridors into the valley of steel
What a surprise!
A look of terminal shock in your eyes
Now things are really what they seem
No, this is no bad dream.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me down to lie
Through pastures green he leadeth me the silent waters by
With bright knives he releaseth my soul
He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places
He converteth me to lamb cutlets
For lo,m he hath great power and great hunger
When cometh the day we lowly ones
Through quiet reflection and great dedication
Master the art of karate
Lo, we shall rise up
And then we'll make the bugger's eyes water.
Blasting and bubbling I fell on his neck with a scream
Wave upon wave of demented avengers
March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream.
Have you heard the news?
The dogs are dead!
You better stay home
And do as you're told
Get out of the road if you want to grow old.
"Sheep" by Pink Floyd ("Animals" 1977)
Friday, November 07, 2008
A Sonic Assault
For those of you into the blues, and specifically blues guitarists, do you often wonder whether or not there will ever be an heir to the throne? Someone who can take over the mantle of Guitar God as Stevie Ray Vaughan and Jimi Hendrix before him? Yes, I know I am waxing lyical here...Anyway, I think we have found him.
Henry Garza of Los Lonely Boys.
You probably think of Los Lonely Boys and their breakout hit "Heaven", but if you care, you know there's more to them than that.
Personally, though I have never picked up a guitar in my life, the attached clip is a sonic masterpiece, an assault on the senses, raw, mean, nasty mind-fucking blues at its very, very best.
And if these guys are ever in town, I'm in.
"Cottonfields & Crossroads" live at the Bonnaroo Music Festival, 2004. Enjoy.
"Cottonfields & Crossroads" live at the Bonnaroo Music Festival, 2004. Enjoy.
Ten (Or More) Reasons To Love Halloween... most def NSFW
Everyone has their favorite holidays. For some it's Christmas, for others, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, Easter... Me? I'm a fan of Halloween. I'm also a dude, and occaisionally a bit of a lech. If you are a woman, and you may possibly have some form of objection to this? Too bad.
Therefore, here are my Top Ten reasons I like Halloween. With stupid captions as well. Heh heh.
Wait, wait, let me guess: porn star?
I believe we should have school uniforms in the United States:
I'll have what he's having...
Um, yeah, peace out, Bro!
In the words of Craig Morgan: "I'm Country"
This isn't your father's Navy!
Um, yeah, I wish the NFL had more Rear Judges like the one on the right! 
Nasty Angel + Jello Shots = Danger (or is it fun?)
Little Bo Peep lost more than her fucking sheep...
Never really liked Britney Spears, but have you met her slutty older sister?
Um, yeah, peace out, Bro!
In the words of Craig Morgan: "I'm Country" 
This isn't your father's Navy!
Um, yeah, I wish the NFL had more Rear Judges like the one on the right!
Nasty Angel + Jello Shots = Danger (or is it fun?)
Little Bo Peep lost more than her fucking sheep... 
Never really liked Britney Spears, but have you met her slutty older sister? Strangely enough I feel the need to start reading the Harry Potter books:
In summation, see below. No further captioning necessary. Phwoarr.
In summation, see below. No further captioning necessary. Phwoarr.Open Letter To Whoever Gives A Shit
On the morning of Monday, November 3, 2008 I was unemployed by Ameriprise Financial.
You could almost say I had it coming, after all I had given them six years of sterling service, as indicated by my mid-year and year-end ratings, the accomplishments I had made and the cost-savings and efficiency increases I had been instrumental in planning, designing and implementing.
(Hey, how about some of that $1.7 million I saved you coming this way?)
You could say I had it coming because I'm not a corporate clone. I don't play the game. I don't come with a belief system that directs me to play the game. I don't know how to effectively use the system to buttfuck another employee, the way I was buttfucked.
Jesus Christ, you didn't even spit.
My apparent naievity led me down this path. After the events in August that led to my first "warning", I thought things would change. After all, having been previously accused of racism, bigotry and harrassment (wait, I hear you laughing...), you would think I would change. Shit, I thought I had changed. But, when given the opportunity to provide feedback on the person who had accused me, and watched such feedback being written down and processed, and promised that it would be looked into, it seems it wasn't.
Because it continued.
You see, it's a two-sided deal. When you are the accuser you are protected, given advice, told how to act. When you are the accused, fuck that. You are told not to retaliate. That's all. You are not given your rights, a way to reach out, told how to act and what to do to document anything that may come at you. You are not even allowed to tell anyone, let alone seek counsel for your fears and concerns. I was told not to tell anyone, not even my wife. Shall we say the fear of God was put into me? Take a good, long look at the Individual Treatment Policy. Page Two, near the bottom. What will you see? Tell me.
Arbitration? Never heard of it.
Mediation: fucked if I know what that means.
How do you act?
Do you record every conversation with the accuser, dates times and witnesses?
Are you to never allow yourself in the same fucking room alone?
Thus, no options.
No advice.
No-one cares.
You are dirt.
Stay there.
Don't try to improve yourself.
I suppose I could, in retrospect, have played the game back, but as I have said, that's not the way I was raised. I was raised to confront an issue head on. The problem then lies in who you are confronting.
When you are confronting (unfortunately) a minority who proceeds to and succeeds in pushing your buttons on a daily basis (fuck being a hot-headed Irishman, thanks Mum!), and you retaliate, in whatever way, then you may as well just bend over, spread 'em and give me two good coughs. Because no matter what you say, you will just get that Gallic shrug of the shoulders, puppy dwag look, a smile and a barely translatable mumbled "I was just playing...". Guess things are done differently in Africa, huh?
ps - thicken up the accent a bit when you are saying that as well. More of an emotional impact that way.
Kinda sucks when you look back and you think of the times you tried to reach out and overcome cultural, national, social and religious barriers... learning about what it's like being a Muslim in America; asking questions about the Koran/Qu'uran/Quran (whatever - how many other people even give a shit enough to know how many different fucking variations of the name there are???); learning about Mali and West Africa in general; even attempting to learn some of your fucking language. Does that count for shit? Do you remember any of this? Does it even register in your fucking brain? Apparently not. Hey, just think, when you are accused of calling the guy a Bantu Tribesman, and you know that the Bantu people travelled east from Cameroun to Kenya and south through Angola, as opposed to west towards Mali, Nigeria, Sierra Leone etc, kinda doesn't add up.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bantu_people
Kinda like one plus one equals twelve. Add to the denial of that fact back in August, the fact that the statement "... if you were in a Bantu village then blah blah blah" being used almost daily against you when you are licking your Cheeto cheesy fingers, that's adding the reciprocal of a to the variance of 1.7 to the equation when a = a steaming pile of bullshit (or should it be water buffalo shit if I'm going down that path?) and 1.7 is the amount of times I got harrassed back per day.
Fuck, shit, arse, Goddamn it, now I have lost it completely.
And the worst and most disgusting part of it is, when you hear from your best friend a day later that he defended you and explained, with examples, dates and witnesses, the harrassment flipped back at you, and "they" didn't listen, the bleeding starts again. When he tells you that he was told "Oooh, Chris is in real trouble now" by the accuser, does that look like premeditation? Does that look like this was planned? Does that look like this was all being deliberately added up, plotted against, planned, stacking the deck against me? Kicking the stool out from under me?
I am hurt. Emotionally, spiritually, physically shocked, sickened and hurt by the way I was tarred and feathered and run out of fucking town. I used to love working for that company. I used to respect it as a leader in the industry. I used to be fucking well proud to tell people where I worked and what I did. Not any more. Not now. It's irrevocably tainted now. Fuck them and their efforts to promote diversity. Fuck them.
I am going to have my name cleared. I don't want my job back (well, yes I actually do but that's never going to fucking well happen), but I want to be able to tell prospective employers what happened and not have a black cloud over my name.
I am NOT a bad man. Hell, legally I'm a fucking minority as well. Check Dictionary.com if you don't believe me:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/minority
Main Entry: mi·nor·i·ty
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -ties
3 a : a part of a population differing esp. from the dominant group in some characteristics (as race, sex, or national origin) and often subject to differential treatment b : a member of a minority minorities>
You could almost say I had it coming, after all I had given them six years of sterling service, as indicated by my mid-year and year-end ratings, the accomplishments I had made and the cost-savings and efficiency increases I had been instrumental in planning, designing and implementing.
(Hey, how about some of that $1.7 million I saved you coming this way?)
You could say I had it coming because I'm not a corporate clone. I don't play the game. I don't come with a belief system that directs me to play the game. I don't know how to effectively use the system to buttfuck another employee, the way I was buttfucked.
Jesus Christ, you didn't even spit.
My apparent naievity led me down this path. After the events in August that led to my first "warning", I thought things would change. After all, having been previously accused of racism, bigotry and harrassment (wait, I hear you laughing...), you would think I would change. Shit, I thought I had changed. But, when given the opportunity to provide feedback on the person who had accused me, and watched such feedback being written down and processed, and promised that it would be looked into, it seems it wasn't.
Because it continued.
You see, it's a two-sided deal. When you are the accuser you are protected, given advice, told how to act. When you are the accused, fuck that. You are told not to retaliate. That's all. You are not given your rights, a way to reach out, told how to act and what to do to document anything that may come at you. You are not even allowed to tell anyone, let alone seek counsel for your fears and concerns. I was told not to tell anyone, not even my wife. Shall we say the fear of God was put into me? Take a good, long look at the Individual Treatment Policy. Page Two, near the bottom. What will you see? Tell me.
Arbitration? Never heard of it.
Mediation: fucked if I know what that means.
How do you act?
Do you record every conversation with the accuser, dates times and witnesses?
Are you to never allow yourself in the same fucking room alone?
Thus, no options.
No advice.
No-one cares.
You are dirt.
Stay there.
Don't try to improve yourself.
I suppose I could, in retrospect, have played the game back, but as I have said, that's not the way I was raised. I was raised to confront an issue head on. The problem then lies in who you are confronting.
When you are confronting (unfortunately) a minority who proceeds to and succeeds in pushing your buttons on a daily basis (fuck being a hot-headed Irishman, thanks Mum!), and you retaliate, in whatever way, then you may as well just bend over, spread 'em and give me two good coughs. Because no matter what you say, you will just get that Gallic shrug of the shoulders, puppy dwag look, a smile and a barely translatable mumbled "I was just playing...". Guess things are done differently in Africa, huh?
ps - thicken up the accent a bit when you are saying that as well. More of an emotional impact that way.
Kinda sucks when you look back and you think of the times you tried to reach out and overcome cultural, national, social and religious barriers... learning about what it's like being a Muslim in America; asking questions about the Koran/Qu'uran/Quran (whatever - how many other people even give a shit enough to know how many different fucking variations of the name there are???); learning about Mali and West Africa in general; even attempting to learn some of your fucking language. Does that count for shit? Do you remember any of this? Does it even register in your fucking brain? Apparently not. Hey, just think, when you are accused of calling the guy a Bantu Tribesman, and you know that the Bantu people travelled east from Cameroun to Kenya and south through Angola, as opposed to west towards Mali, Nigeria, Sierra Leone etc, kinda doesn't add up.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bantu_people
Kinda like one plus one equals twelve. Add to the denial of that fact back in August, the fact that the statement "... if you were in a Bantu village then blah blah blah" being used almost daily against you when you are licking your Cheeto cheesy fingers, that's adding the reciprocal of a to the variance of 1.7 to the equation when a = a steaming pile of bullshit (or should it be water buffalo shit if I'm going down that path?) and 1.7 is the amount of times I got harrassed back per day.
Fuck, shit, arse, Goddamn it, now I have lost it completely.
And the worst and most disgusting part of it is, when you hear from your best friend a day later that he defended you and explained, with examples, dates and witnesses, the harrassment flipped back at you, and "they" didn't listen, the bleeding starts again. When he tells you that he was told "Oooh, Chris is in real trouble now" by the accuser, does that look like premeditation? Does that look like this was planned? Does that look like this was all being deliberately added up, plotted against, planned, stacking the deck against me? Kicking the stool out from under me?
I am hurt. Emotionally, spiritually, physically shocked, sickened and hurt by the way I was tarred and feathered and run out of fucking town. I used to love working for that company. I used to respect it as a leader in the industry. I used to be fucking well proud to tell people where I worked and what I did. Not any more. Not now. It's irrevocably tainted now. Fuck them and their efforts to promote diversity. Fuck them.
I am going to have my name cleared. I don't want my job back (well, yes I actually do but that's never going to fucking well happen), but I want to be able to tell prospective employers what happened and not have a black cloud over my name.
I am NOT a bad man. Hell, legally I'm a fucking minority as well. Check Dictionary.com if you don't believe me:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/minority
Main Entry: mi·nor·i·ty
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -ties
3 a : a part of a population differing esp. from the dominant group in some characteristics (as race, sex, or national origin) and often subject to differential treatment b : a member of a minority minorities>
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Yet Another Q & A....
One Word
Not as easy as you might think! (yeah, like how do you get New Zealand to be one word?)Now copy or forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to use only one word answers (I s'pose). Be sure to send back to the person you received it from! (She'll get it...)
1. Where is your cell phone? Couch
2. Your significant other? Rock
3. Your hair? Long
4. Your mother? Mum
5. Your father? Dad
6. Your favorite thing? Chips
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your favorite drink? Leinenkugel
9. Your goal? Employment
10. What Room are you in? Basement
11. your hobby? Eating
12. Your fear? Unemployment
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
14. Where were you last night? Home
15. Something that you aren't? Employed
16. Muffins? Please
17. Wish list item? Challenger
18. Where you grew up? New Zealand
19. Last thing you did? Type
20. What are you wearing? Clothes
21. Your TV? Small
22. Your pets? Fish
23. Friends? Maybe
24. Your life? Fucked
25. Your mood? Multiple
26. Missing someone? Doug
27. Your car? Van
28. Something you're not wearing? Sweatshirt
29. Your favorite store? Liqour
32. Your favorite color? Chrome
33. When is the last time you laughed? Unknown
34. Last time you cried? Today
35. Who will resend this? No-one
36. One place that I go to over and over: Hell
37. One person who emails me regularly: Preston
38. My favorite place to eat: Big Bowl
39. One place I would like to go right now: Work
41. One TV show: Sportscenter
Yeah yeah, I know that I should have just forwarded this from my email blah blah blah but whatever. Got a problem with it? Trust me, you don't have problems.
Not as easy as you might think! (yeah, like how do you get New Zealand to be one word?)Now copy or forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to use only one word answers (I s'pose). Be sure to send back to the person you received it from! (She'll get it...)
1. Where is your cell phone? Couch
2. Your significant other? Rock
3. Your hair? Long
4. Your mother? Mum
5. Your father? Dad
6. Your favorite thing? Chips
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your favorite drink? Leinenkugel
9. Your goal? Employment
10. What Room are you in? Basement
11. your hobby? Eating
12. Your fear? Unemployment
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
14. Where were you last night? Home
15. Something that you aren't? Employed
16. Muffins? Please
17. Wish list item? Challenger
18. Where you grew up? New Zealand
19. Last thing you did? Type
20. What are you wearing? Clothes
21. Your TV? Small
22. Your pets? Fish
23. Friends? Maybe
24. Your life? Fucked
25. Your mood? Multiple
26. Missing someone? Doug
27. Your car? Van
28. Something you're not wearing? Sweatshirt
29. Your favorite store? Liqour
32. Your favorite color? Chrome
33. When is the last time you laughed? Unknown
34. Last time you cried? Today
35. Who will resend this? No-one
36. One place that I go to over and over: Hell
37. One person who emails me regularly: Preston
38. My favorite place to eat: Big Bowl
39. One place I would like to go right now: Work
41. One TV show: Sportscenter
Yeah yeah, I know that I should have just forwarded this from my email blah blah blah but whatever. Got a problem with it? Trust me, you don't have problems.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Sunday Night this and that....
Well, Keith Olbermann has just uttered the line of the season on Sunday Night Football on NBC:
Except my fucking football team stinks. I mean really - Orton driven off on a cart before halftime, S-Jax doing sweet FA then being replaced because St Louis stinks like rotten ass (sorry Dougie, but I calls it like I sees it...), Fargas, Marshall, Jones and on and on and on... Let's hope Dalls Clark can catch at least four TD's tonight and about 246 yards receiving, otherwise it's down the tubes I go (again...).
I must say, that beard looks pretty good for an infidel!
"There's nothing worse than an inconsistent Johnson."
I can only hope he's talking about Brad and the woeful Cowboys, not anything personal.
Except my fucking football team stinks. I mean really - Orton driven off on a cart before halftime, S-Jax doing sweet FA then being replaced because St Louis stinks like rotten ass (sorry Dougie, but I calls it like I sees it...), Fargas, Marshall, Jones and on and on and on... Let's hope Dalls Clark can catch at least four TD's tonight and about 246 yards receiving, otherwise it's down the tubes I go (again...).Other notes - there's nothing quite like being promoted while looking at your own corpse. "WTF?" I hear you say? Nothing, just more Cod 4 'ery...
I must say, that beard looks pretty good for an infidel!BTW - I will be glad when this election's over. Not that I can vote, but it's getting pretty fricking tedious with all these ads. Ah, but I forgot. Post-election we'll have about two months of fucking about over recounts, illegal ballots, who did waht wrong and why did whover fail then in 22 months it's time for another round of local elections.
Will the fun never end?
Saturday, November 01, 2008
50 Things You Would Love To Say Out Loud At Work
Just in time for the Year End Review process....... By November 1, we're all a bit tense.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door..........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door..........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.
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