Likes & Dislikes (as if you care...)

So, for some strange reason, I thought it prudent of me to establish a list of my likes and dislikes. Why? I don't really know. I guess I just like writing lists. This, however, will probably morph into something more than just a plain old list. A couple of reasons behind that - first, I will probably be continually adding to this on an ongoing basis, and secondly, I will attempt to put in a brief explanation of my addled reasoning.

So, with that being said, and with no particular order, here goes nothing. Or, as in one of my favorite quotes: "Fuck it, Colonel! Have the bugler sound the charge!"

Things I Like:


1) Beer - it tastes good. It goes down well. It is refreshing. And you can get it anywhere (almost). Except in the case of my favorite North American beer, Fat Tire. Why can't it be sold here? Thus, the standing order when myself, my family, or my friends are driving through the West (ie CO, NM etc) to pick me up a case or two...

2) Life-size Hot Wheels trucks - vroom vroom. Sometimes I don't truly get the point of these. Sure, some look good, then on the other hand, some look rather stupid. Whatever they look like though, they're still a lot of fun! Also very, very practical. Just think of it - you're above traffic, you're above almost anything else that is above traffic (except for the odd traffic helicopter), if there's anything in your way, it will disappear under those over-sized tires of yours, and, dependent on the amount of KC Lights you decide to apply to your truck, you'll be able to see everything at night. Shit, they're liable to see you from space!


Plus, ya gotta remember these two things: Loud Pipes Save Lives, and Bad-Ass Boyz Drive Bad-Ass Toyz!

3) White pants on women - There's just something about them. Now we have to make the assumption here that the look is pulled off correctly - ie, no unequal weight distribution, varying levels of see-through-ness, dancing in a sweaty, hot nightclub and on and on and on...

The intriguing thing about such pants is what is underneath them... You can almost always "just about" see through them, which can do wonders for a lonely guy on a long day. You ask yourself - panties or commando? And if it is the former, then there is never a VPL to get in the way. Thus the beauty! That, and the fact that you will be asking yourself the aforementioned question again and again, then trying to figure out how to a) get into them, or b) get them off...

4) Minding your own business - keeping your nose out of where it doesn't belong can be beneficial. It's also polite.

5) High heels - four inch minimum. Stripper platforms optional. The shape they bring to a woman's leg is something to behold. Oh, and when they are locked behind your neck, or the heel is scratching up and down your back...

6) Road-tripping - nothing like cruising the roads of America. Why fly everywhere when you can see some of the country you live in? However, this has morphed for me. At first, it was myself and my wife, a few packs of cigarettes, a lot of coffee and a good music selection, and we were good to go. One of my favorite trips was with Kristine back B.C. (before children) in the trusty old Neon, driving out to CO, up through WY, and back home to MN via SD. Put a lot of miles on the old car and a great time was had my all. Nowadays things are different. We have two girls now who make us alter our old ways. Gone are the cigs, and the music has changed somewhat to include such favorites as "High School Musical" and "Hannah Montana" as well as some Wiggles, a little bit of Sesame Street, and a lot of Veggie Tales. I have no problem with that though! I just think about the old days... And, with the best babysitter in the world more than willing to look after the kids overnight or for a night or three, going old school is definitely a possibility again!

7) "Heartland" rock n' roll - Mellencamp, Springsteen, GB Leighton... writing the songs that make America tick.

8) Mullets - nothing like the Mississippi Mudflap! I mean, it's a statement right? The ol' "business in the front, party in the back". It's more than just a statement, pal, it's a lifestyle! It means you have no cares, all you want to do is be free, feel the wind in your hair (but of course you don't want that hair in your eyes...).

There are so many mullet classifications out there, you'll need to look them up. But the best thing about them is the fun you can have spotting them. State Fairs, sporting events, country music festivals, even downtown Minneapolis, the buggers are everywhere!

9) Alternate routes (see #4 below) - when it's road work season and the main arteries are down to two lanes, one of which may well have another detour factored in, it's always good to have a moving, working knowledge of the back way from A to B. And when you explain to someone who was stuck in traffic for an hour plus on the way home from work the way you got home, in half an hour's less time, that's pride, baby! All it takes is a look at a map, or a practice run-through if you like that sort of thing. Me? I do. I'm kinda anal that way...

10) Cowbell - the world needs more cowbell.

Things I Don't Like:

1) Fat people who eat fatty things - look after yourself for God's sake! When you're 400lb and have trouble walking because you're fat and out of shape, do you really need that Code Red, Baby Ruth and those Pringles for a mid-afternoon snack? Expecially after you went out and burned through 1200 calories at Chipotle for lunch, on top of the two servings of Farmer's Eggs w/ Hollandaise sauce you had for breakfast? I saw you in the smoking lounge... But then I get to thinking, maybe they have a hereditary problem and can't burn off the pounds? But that then leads me to think about "Celebrity Fit Club" and "The Biggest Loser" and shows like those, which then dispels that notion. And we're back to square one.

2) The need to be "PC" and not call fat people "fat people" and the like - fuck that. Call it like I see it. Being PC is so much bullshit, but at the same time it's understandable. However, at the same time it's not. Confused? See, so am I. Sure, I won't call you a fat-ass to your face, and I may not talk about you that way to my friends, but can I think it? Sure can and sure am. But wait, let's see what the gool old Wikipedia says about it:

Political correctness (often abbreviated to PC) is a term used to describe language or behavior that is intended, or said to be intended, to provide a minimum of offense, particularly to racial, cultural, or other identity groups. A text that conforms to the ideals of political correctness is said to be politically correct.
The term "political correctness" is used almost exclusively in a pejorative sense.[1] However, terms such as inclusive language and civility are often used to praise language that is seen by critics as "politically correct".[2] [3] Those who use the term in a critical fashion often express a concern about the dilution of freedom of speech, intolerance of language, and the avoidance of a discussion of social problems.
The existence of PC has been alleged and denounced by conservative, liberal, and other commentators.[4] The term itself and its usage, however, is hotly contested. Some commentators, usually on the political left, have argued that the term "political correctness" is a straw man invented by the New Right to discredit what they consider progressive social change, especially around issues of race and gender.[5]

Hmph. Not a lot there about fat people. But I do concur with the fact that it has been denounced by Conservatives.

3) Southern Comfort - the smell of it just makes me gag. All because I disrespected the liquor one night in my younger days. Still, I think it tasted like shit anyway.


4) Road work season (see #9 above) - there are two seasons in Minnesota, winter and road contruction. Let's close the eastbound bridge from here to here, and let's reduce the detour to one lane while we dig up the road to install new sewer lines that, oh bugger, we ran out of funding and will have to shelve that project to next summer.


Wanna see how bad it gets? Take a look at the map:







Gridlock everywhere. Frustrations are high. Not too many ways around the green bits without running into an orange diamond.But, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Please refer to #4 in "Likes".


5) Lack of music - can't stand it. Need the noise, especially when I am grinding hard at work, it just keeps me going, gives me a rhythm to work to, keeps me alive. I have a feeling, however, that our boss is going to stop us using mp3's and headphones here at work. When that happens I am going to go into cardiac arrest. The only thing to cure me will be ear buds inserted into my ears, the volume turned up, and The Goodyear Pimps injected into my system.


6) Road rage and/or bad drivers - get off my ass, punk! Oh, and to the person in front of me driving 35mph in a 50mph zone, with absolutely no-one in front of you, please, it's the long rectangular pedal to the right. Yes, that's it, press down on it a little. See how the car speeds up? Cool, huh?


There is absolutely no reason to get pissed at someone about driving. And nowadays you don't know when they're gonna pop their Glock and put a cap in yo' ass, you disrespectin' muthafucka!

However, the worst is when it's a Buick. Because it's never just a Buick, it's always "a fuckin' Buick!!!". This is where patience comes in. Find your Zen place. Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax.

7) Nosey-parkers - if I want to talk to you about something, I will. If I don't, I won't. Therefore, if it doesn't concern you, please go back to what you were doing. Thank you.

8) Elevator button-pushers - this bugs the living fuck out of me. Example: I'm two steps behind you, you can see me in your peripheral vision, yet upon entering the elevator your hand whips out and strikes the door close button. Fuck you. The best thing is with the elevators in my buildign here at work - you pick the floor you are going to, and they direct you to the elevator you are going up or down in. Multiple people meand multiple floors. Therefore, if you are in the elevator, going to the 7th floor, and you see the fourth floor selection light up, it would be safe to assume that someone else is getting in the elevator. Yet you still press the button. Is it going to make that much of a difference to your day whether you get to your destination 7.36 seconds faster than you would have had you let the other person on? Probably not. Keep away from the buttons. Oh, and when I'm halfway out the door on fourth floor and you're already smashign the door close button - that's right about when I find an excuse to stand in the door and carry out a conversation with someone else in there. That's right, just to piss you off.


9) Rice rockets - fuckin things. Blatting around with no
shocks, a fart can that Andre the Giant could fit his head in, and a wing that comes at least three feet off your back deck is so important. Add to this the fact that you must recline your seat back to around 60 degrees of angle and you're rolling. Plus, the obligatory tach (often mounted outside the cockpit) and contrast-colored wiper blades. You're a fuckin' idiot. Give Daddy his money back and get a fuckin' job.

My favorite rice rockets, however, are the total beater cars... for even more detail on these and the multiple types, take a look at http://www.riceboypage.com/index.html.



10) Fauxhawks (aka Gayhawks) - WTF with this haircut? If you're going to get a mohawk, do it properly: Number zero back and sides up to a 1-2" strip across the top... Enough already with this styling the hair up into the middle. What are you trying to do, reduce wind resistance? And I don't care if you think Beckham's a fuckin' God, he still has a fauxhawk, is a confirmed "metrosexual" poofter, and he plays soccer. 'Nuff said.




11) Malfunctioning alarm clocks - well, at least I think it malfunctioned. It certainly didn't function correctly when I pushed it off the nightstand.