Likes & Dislikes (as if you care...)

So, for some strange reason, I thought it prudent of me to establish a list of my likes and dislikes. Why? I don't really know. I guess I just like writing lists. This, however, will probably morph into something more than just a plain old list. A couple of reasons behind that - first, I will probably be continually adding to this on an ongoing basis, and secondly, I will attempt to put in a brief explanation of my addled reasoning.

So, with that being said, and with no particular order, here goes nothing. Or, as in one of my favorite quotes: "Fuck it, Colonel! Have the bugler sound the charge!"

Things I Like:


1) Beer - it tastes good. It goes down well. It is refreshing. And you can get it anywhere (almost). Except in the case of my favorite North American beer, Fat Tire. Why can't it be sold here? Thus, the standing order when myself, my family, or my friends are driving through the West (ie CO, NM etc) to pick me up a case or two...

2) Life-size Hot Wheels trucks - vroom vroom. Sometimes I don't truly get the point of these. Sure, some look good, then on the other hand, some look rather stupid. Whatever they look like though, they're still a lot of fun! Also very, very practical. Just think of it - you're above traffic, you're above almost anything else that is above traffic (except for the odd traffic helicopter), if there's anything in your way, it will disappear under those over-sized tires of yours, and, dependent on the amount of KC Lights you decide to apply to your truck, you'll be able to see everything at night. Shit, they're liable to see you from space!


Plus, ya gotta remember these two things: Loud Pipes Save Lives, and Bad-Ass Boyz Drive Bad-Ass Toyz!

3) White pants on women - There's just something about them. Now we have to make the assumption here that the look is pulled off correctly - ie, no unequal weight distribution, varying levels of see-through-ness, dancing in a sweaty, hot nightclub and on and on and on...

The intriguing thing about such pants is what is underneath them... You can almost always "just about" see through them, which can do wonders for a lonely guy on a long day. You ask yourself - panties or commando? And if it is the former, then there is never a VPL to get in the way. Thus the beauty! That, and the fact that you will be asking yourself the aforementioned question again and again, then trying to figure out how to a) get into them, or b) get them off...

4) Minding your own business - keeping your nose out of where it doesn't belong can be beneficial. It's also polite.

5) High heels - four inch minimum. Stripper platforms optional. The shape they bring to a woman's leg is something to behold. Oh, and when they are locked behind your neck, or the heel is scratching up and down your back...

6) Road-tripping - nothing like cruising the roads of America. Why fly everywhere when you can see some of the country you live in? However, this has morphed for me. At first, it was myself and my wife, a few packs of cigarettes, a lot of coffee and a good music selection, and we were good to go. One of my favorite trips was with Kristine back B.C. (before children) in the trusty old Neon, driving out to CO, up through WY, and back home to MN via SD. Put a lot of miles on the old car and a great time was had my all. Nowadays things are different. We have two girls now who make us alter our old ways. Gone are the cigs, and the music has changed somewhat to include such favorites as "High School Musical" and "Hannah Montana" as well as some Wiggles, a little bit of Sesame Street, and a lot of Veggie Tales. I have no problem with that though! I just think about the old days... And, with the best babysitter in the world more than willing to look after the kids overnight or for a night or three, going old school is definitely a possibility again!

7) "Heartland" rock n' roll - Mellencamp, Springsteen, GB Leighton... writing the songs that make America tick.

8) Mullets - nothing like the Mississippi Mudflap! I mean, it's a statement right? The ol' "business in the front, party in the back". It's more than just a statement, pal, it's a lifestyle! It means you have no cares, all you want to do is be free, feel the wind in your hair (but of course you don't want that hair in your eyes...).

There are so many mullet classifications out there, you'll need to look them up. But the best thing about them is the fun you can have spotting them. State Fairs, sporting events, country music festivals, even downtown Minneapolis, the buggers are everywhere!

9) Alternate routes (see #4 below) - when it's road work season and the main arteries are down to two lanes, one of which may well have another detour factored in, it's always good to have a moving, working knowledge of the back way from A to B. And when you explain to someone who was stuck in traffic for an hour plus on the way home from work the way you got home, in half an hour's less time, that's pride, baby! All it takes is a look at a map, or a practice run-through if you like that sort of thing. Me? I do. I'm kinda anal that way...

10) Cowbell - the world needs more cowbell.

Things I Don't Like:

1) Fat people who eat fatty things - look after yourself for God's sake! When you're 400lb and have trouble walking because you're fat and out of shape, do you really need that Code Red, Baby Ruth and those Pringles for a mid-afternoon snack? Expecially after you went out and burned through 1200 calories at Chipotle for lunch, on top of the two servings of Farmer's Eggs w/ Hollandaise sauce you had for breakfast? I saw you in the smoking lounge... But then I get to thinking, maybe they have a hereditary problem and can't burn off the pounds? But that then leads me to think about "Celebrity Fit Club" and "The Biggest Loser" and shows like those, which then dispels that notion. And we're back to square one.

2) The need to be "PC" and not call fat people "fat people" and the like - fuck that. Call it like I see it. Being PC is so much bullshit, but at the same time it's understandable. However, at the same time it's not. Confused? See, so am I. Sure, I won't call you a fat-ass to your face, and I may not talk about you that way to my friends, but can I think it? Sure can and sure am. But wait, let's see what the gool old Wikipedia says about it:

Political correctness (often abbreviated to PC) is a term used to describe language or behavior that is intended, or said to be intended, to provide a minimum of offense, particularly to racial, cultural, or other identity groups. A text that conforms to the ideals of political correctness is said to be politically correct.
The term "political correctness" is used almost exclusively in a pejorative sense.[1] However, terms such as inclusive language and civility are often used to praise language that is seen by critics as "politically correct".[2] [3] Those who use the term in a critical fashion often express a concern about the dilution of freedom of speech, intolerance of language, and the avoidance of a discussion of social problems.
The existence of PC has been alleged and denounced by conservative, liberal, and other commentators.[4] The term itself and its usage, however, is hotly contested. Some commentators, usually on the political left, have argued that the term "political correctness" is a straw man invented by the New Right to discredit what they consider progressive social change, especially around issues of race and gender.[5]

Hmph. Not a lot there about fat people. But I do concur with the fact that it has been denounced by Conservatives.

3) Southern Comfort - the smell of it just makes me gag. All because I disrespected the liquor one night in my younger days. Still, I think it tasted like shit anyway.


4) Road work season (see #9 above) - there are two seasons in Minnesota, winter and road contruction. Let's close the eastbound bridge from here to here, and let's reduce the detour to one lane while we dig up the road to install new sewer lines that, oh bugger, we ran out of funding and will have to shelve that project to next summer.


Wanna see how bad it gets? Take a look at the map:







Gridlock everywhere. Frustrations are high. Not too many ways around the green bits without running into an orange diamond.But, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Please refer to #4 in "Likes".


5) Lack of music - can't stand it. Need the noise, especially when I am grinding hard at work, it just keeps me going, gives me a rhythm to work to, keeps me alive. I have a feeling, however, that our boss is going to stop us using mp3's and headphones here at work. When that happens I am going to go into cardiac arrest. The only thing to cure me will be ear buds inserted into my ears, the volume turned up, and The Goodyear Pimps injected into my system.


6) Road rage and/or bad drivers - get off my ass, punk! Oh, and to the person in front of me driving 35mph in a 50mph zone, with absolutely no-one in front of you, please, it's the long rectangular pedal to the right. Yes, that's it, press down on it a little. See how the car speeds up? Cool, huh?


There is absolutely no reason to get pissed at someone about driving. And nowadays you don't know when they're gonna pop their Glock and put a cap in yo' ass, you disrespectin' muthafucka!

However, the worst is when it's a Buick. Because it's never just a Buick, it's always "a fuckin' Buick!!!". This is where patience comes in. Find your Zen place. Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax.

7) Nosey-parkers - if I want to talk to you about something, I will. If I don't, I won't. Therefore, if it doesn't concern you, please go back to what you were doing. Thank you.

8) Elevator button-pushers - this bugs the living fuck out of me. Example: I'm two steps behind you, you can see me in your peripheral vision, yet upon entering the elevator your hand whips out and strikes the door close button. Fuck you. The best thing is with the elevators in my buildign here at work - you pick the floor you are going to, and they direct you to the elevator you are going up or down in. Multiple people meand multiple floors. Therefore, if you are in the elevator, going to the 7th floor, and you see the fourth floor selection light up, it would be safe to assume that someone else is getting in the elevator. Yet you still press the button. Is it going to make that much of a difference to your day whether you get to your destination 7.36 seconds faster than you would have had you let the other person on? Probably not. Keep away from the buttons. Oh, and when I'm halfway out the door on fourth floor and you're already smashign the door close button - that's right about when I find an excuse to stand in the door and carry out a conversation with someone else in there. That's right, just to piss you off.


9) Rice rockets - fuckin things. Blatting around with no
shocks, a fart can that Andre the Giant could fit his head in, and a wing that comes at least three feet off your back deck is so important. Add to this the fact that you must recline your seat back to around 60 degrees of angle and you're rolling. Plus, the obligatory tach (often mounted outside the cockpit) and contrast-colored wiper blades. You're a fuckin' idiot. Give Daddy his money back and get a fuckin' job.

My favorite rice rockets, however, are the total beater cars... for even more detail on these and the multiple types, take a look at http://www.riceboypage.com/index.html.



10) Fauxhawks (aka Gayhawks) - WTF with this haircut? If you're going to get a mohawk, do it properly: Number zero back and sides up to a 1-2" strip across the top... Enough already with this styling the hair up into the middle. What are you trying to do, reduce wind resistance? And I don't care if you think Beckham's a fuckin' God, he still has a fauxhawk, is a confirmed "metrosexual" poofter, and he plays soccer. 'Nuff said.




11) Malfunctioning alarm clocks - well, at least I think it malfunctioned. It certainly didn't function correctly when I pushed it off the nightstand.

Thank You For Remaining On Hold

Goddamn how I love interactive voice menus!

Why do I say this? because, right now I am on hold for an indeterminable length of time with the Massachusetts Department of Licensing.

"Thank you for holding. You call will be answered by the next available representative".

Bullshit. After twelve minutes I have been hung up on twice as the phone rang. Apparently someone there doesn't know how to answer the phone. Or, just doesn't want to answer the bloody thing. Okay, here we go again... will I be hung up on? Will I get through to someone? It's like playing Russian Roulette with a telephone...

Still waiting.

Still.....

Anyway, the point is just how frustrating phone menus can be. As I said, right now I'm on hold with MA, but I also have to deal with other State licensing bureaus as part of my job. Some are great! I just love getting through to one of the Southern states (GA, NC etc) and getting a breathy, young-sounding chick with that "Yes Y'all" drawl... But, you never know. I have tried to call the CA DOI before - their phone menu is a black hole. After about 15 minutes navigating my way through the menu, I finally realised there is not one option available to me that would allow the rational conversation between two human beings... At that point in my work career, my boss and other blowhards were breathing down my neck, trying to get me to speed up the licensing process of one of our sales managers. Try as I might to explain to them the vagaries of California's phone system, they just kept pushing and pushing me to get shit done.

Long story short, the license finally came through, but the people yomping at me to get it done never listened to my cautionary tales... Until, just a week or two ago, my boss decided to try and help me out and call CA about another manager (same kind of situation). Needless to say, I warned him, a couple of times, but in all his blow-hardery he just dismissed me and thought he was better.

Ha ha.

I still see the look on his face when he turned around to me after his first (and last) twenty minute interlude and, stammering, exclaimed how horrible California's menu was. I asked him if he ever talked to anyone (all the while chortling to myself), and he just sputtered away about how there "was no option... there was no option!!!".

Phone menus these days have gotten waaaaaay to complicated.

Thank you for call the Department of This and That. Please listen to the following options:

If you know your party's extension, please enter it now, followed by the pound sign.

If you don't know your party's extension, but would like to try and find it on our list, good fuckin' luck pal. The name may sound like Smith but is probably spelled with a silent "p" at the start, and has a "y" thrown in there for good measure. You'll never find the name, but you're welcome to try.

If you wish to speak to a representative from Blah Blah, please have your account number, PIN, mother's maiden name, breed of your neighbour's dog... no not that one, we mean the one that got run over by the milk truck. Yeah, that one.

If you would prefer to speak to a representative from the Flim Flam division, they're all out to lunch.

Please press 7, followed by the pund sign really really quickly if you'd like to be transferred to some motherfucker in Bombay who can barely speak English, is probably named Sitesh but will call himself "Chuck" just to make you more at ease. Once you get hold of Chuck, he will repeat your question incorrectly back to you then put you on hold. Again. And if, by chance he gets back to you, you will be accidentally hung up on.

Press 23. Why? We don't know. it's an option though.

For the Complaints Department, please send them an email. Which they won't answer.

If you would like to hear any of these menu options agai....click.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, the good old stand-by "If you are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line" is becoming about as rare as the Dodo these days.

Oooh! Oooh! I completely forgot about the ones that have you speak into them! Those are the fuckin' best!!! Because, as a guarantee, they won't understand you. And, knowing your luck, you've got a lisp. Walk away, pal!

Seems like we're stuck with it. And with the off-shoring of America, it's only going to get worse.

Your Support...

The question: do you support the troops involved in the fight against terrorism? Not just the army, but everyone involved - soldiers, sailors, marines, coasties, airedales, guardsmen, reservists... even down to the civilians and private security contractors...

You may look at the question in the wrong light - you may look at the question and ask yourself "Do I support the war?". That, however, is not the question I am asking here. You may or may not support the war, the reasons for going to war (however cloudy they may be in your opinion). But what is important here is that you support those who are making the sacrifices necessary to make the world a safer place...

For example - you may have one of those magnetic "Support Our Troops" ribbons on your vehicle. Great - but it kinda goes downhill when you have 20 slapped all over the back of your car, van, truck etc. That kind of defeats the point - now it becomes something else, something cheaper. I look about the place and see this occurring far too often.

There are other ways as well - supply drives, making care packages, sending letters, reading blogs (and responding to them as well). With the last, in my own personal experience back in my MySpace days I read the blog of an online acquaintance of mine who was stationed for a period of time with his unit of the TX ANG in Balad (please correct me if I'm wrong Derek!). To me, that's support - keeping the men and women of our armed forces in our hearts and prayers on a daily basis. I also read the blogs of various others (including the controversial "CBFTW' by Colby Buzzell until the military had it shut down). There's support.

In my community there is a Guardsman who was injured (read: lost his legs) by an IED outside of Fallujah about a year and a half ago, who, in the same blast, lost two of his best friends. To support him and his family, I donated to the fundraising efforts to make his house more capable to support him and his family.

Oh, just noticed it - I wear one of those rubber bracelets - in this case camo with "Support The Guard" on it... It always serves as a reminder to me.

There are just so many ways to support these people. Yet, as I think about this, the actions of others just pisses me off...

I think about Cindy Sheehan and her crusade against Bush. All that time I said "give it up, Cindy", and finally she has quit. Though the press makes her out to be "the winner". Excuse me, but Fuck Off.

What also pisses me off is when the clergy decides to get involved... When you are listening to the Sunday Sermon and the Pastor throws into the mix about how we are involved in the "unjust fight" in Iraq and we must pull our troops out right away - get out. You have no right to bring such political statements inside the Church. If you feel that way on a personal level, fine and well. But bring that into the Church environment, try and ram it down our throats during sermon... let's just say my wife had to restrain me from standing up and saying something... This, by the way, was last Easter, and as I looked around, among those sitting in the pews was a Marine in dress blues with the rest of his family. I could visibly see him stiffen when that subject matter was brought up...

And that's what I'm getting at - whatever your feelings about the right or wrong about the fight against terrorism, in all it's forms, support the troops. It isn't hard. You're not going to be put out by doing so. And you know what? It's appreciated.

Examples:

1) The good way:

2) The wrong way:

Name that tune!

Ever had a song that you have not heard for a long time and you sit back and wonder "Why the hell haven't I been listening to that all the time?"

I'm constantly doing that with my outrageously scattered music selection...

Example: this morning for some reason I had "Wanted, Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi in my head (please don't ask me why... though now I am going to have to add "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man" to my wishlist!). So I thought I will add it to my current playlist on my "non-iPod MP3 player". I sit down at the computer, plug in my player to shuffle stuff around and I discover, to my dismay, not only is it not on my MP3 player, but it's not even on my computer!

Egads... thus began a furious search amongst piles of cd's (among other things) for Bon Jovi. Finally I found it. I did not, howver, have the internet connected, so had to listen to all the songs on the disc to discover which track it was. That lead to Kristine yelling down at me from the bathroom "We're leaving in five minutes... what are you doing down there?".

So, needless to say, "Wanted..." is now part of my playlist, as well as a couple of other, non-Bon Jovi gems, including the theme from "Greatest American Hero", "Detroit, Rock City (live)", and "Jack and Diane".

Ah the joy of a portable music device and a diverse selection!

Real Men Don't Cry

Ever heard the phrase "Guys aren't supposed to cry"?

I have a one word answer for that - bovine fecal matter. Ain't nothign wrong with crying. We all should do it. Here's what Wikipedia.org has to say about the societal aspects:

Most mammals will produce tears in response to extreme pain or other stimuli, but crying as an emotional reaction is considered by many to be a uniquely human phenomenon, possibly due to humans' advanced self-awareness. Some studies suggest that elephants and gorillas may cry as well.[5]
In nearly all cultures, crying is seen as a specific act associated with tears trickling down the cheeks and accompanied by characteristic sobbing sounds. Emotional triggers are most often anger and grief, but crying can also be triggered by sadness, joy, fear, laughter or humor, frustration, or other strongly-experienced emotions.
In many cultures, crying is associated with babies and children. Some cultures consider crying to be undignified and infantile, casting aspersions on those who cry publicly, except if it is due to the death of a close friend or relative. In most cultures, it is more socially acceptable for women to cry than men.

So, why can't men cry? I know I do it... I cried last time my parents were here and we sent them off at the airport for the long trip home. Not ashamed. In fact, I tried to make fun of it. But the end result was the same, I still cried.

Where's the shame in it? Why can't guys let their emotions talk for them. It's only natural. Sure, when someone you love passes away you are "allowed" to show a public display of grief, but what about when you are really happy about something? What if you have been striving long and hard to achieve an objective, and finally the time comes when you have reached that goal - let it out!

Weddings - I was at one the other weekend for a couple of friends of mine, and when the bride came down the aisle my buddy was not ashamed to let a few tears roll out. And, when the time came to say their wedding vows, a few more came out, he got all choked up. Power to the people! Go for it! It's a big fuckin' deal so let them roll... And if anyone has a problem with it, they can tell their story walking. Weddings are emotional - all he was doing was showing to her and all of us just how deep his love and affection is. I, personally, appreciated it. Oh, sure, there was a wee bit of quiet snickering in the pews, but that came from the morons who would likely hold the position that men don't cry.

When my wife was giving birth to our two daughters I let them fly. Why not? This is birth, new life, the reason man is on this planet. It shook me to the core that Kristine and I had produced a little human being who we were going to shape, who's life we are going to hold in the palm of our hands. Our daughters are part of us - now tell me that ain't emotional? Sure, it's okay for Kristine to cry, after all, she's a girl. But me? Hell no... I'm supposed to run down the corridors waving cigards around shouting "Look at me! I'm a new Father". I'd rather take the time to let my emotions do their merry thing and then go for a run...

Another case in point - when London (our oldest now 7) was about a year and a half old she contract pnuemonia. Frightening seeing her at Children's Hospital with IV's and breathing tubes and the works, looking helpless and lost in the big hospital bed. I was scared, and I cried. Why not?

Movies - they make me cry, I'm not ashamed to say. Here's proof positive (liberally quoting from "Sleepless In Seattle"):

Sam Baldwin: Although I cried at the end of "the Dirty Dozen."
Greg: Who didn't?
Sam Baldwin: Jim Brown was throwing these hand grenades down these airshafts. And Richard Jaeckel and Lee Marvin [Begins to cry]
Sam Baldwin: were sitting on top of this armored personnel carrier, dressed up like Nazis... Greg: [Crying too] Stop, stop!
Sam Baldwin: And Trini Lopez...
Greg: Yes, Trini Lopez!
Sam Baldwin: He busted his neck while they were parachuting down behind the Nazi lines... Greg: Stop.
Sam Baldwin: And Richard Jaeckel - at the beginning he had on this shiny helmet...
Greg: [Crying harder] Please no more. Oh God! I loved that movie.

Classic example. Nope, actually I mean more like at the end of "Empire of the Sun" when Jamie Graham meets his parents for the first time in years after the war and they do not recognize him - that's emotional. "Dead Poets Society" gets me all wrenched up too... And y'know what? I'm not ashamed to talk about it...

But the real questions here is: Why is it wrong for guys to cry? Men are supposed to be the bulwarks of society, the ones who hold everything together when the chips fall. Men are supposed to be staunch, not letting things get to them, to be strong. Thus, society (or at least a part of it) looks at you differently if you betray these stereotypes. Well ,to that I say "Fuck society". You can cry and still be strong. I do and I am.

For Blog's Sake!

Well, here I am, actually intending to write a blog.




Well, maybe not a real blog, I mean, not all about politics and gossip and this and that. Maybe this is just a forum for my brain, a way to relieve some of the pressures going on in there. Let's see what the dictionary has to say about it:


Main Entry:
blog
Part of Speech:
n
Definition:
an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called [Weblog], [Web log]
Example:
Typically updated daily, blogs often reflect the personality of the author.
Etymology:
shortened form of Weblog
Usage:
blog, blogged, blogging v, blogger n
Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.7)Copyright © 2003-2007 Lexico Publishing Group, LLC





Ah, okay then. Guess I am on the right track.


So, this will essentially be a mode of venting, a place to put forward my ideas, thoughts, theorems et al about everything under the sun. See, there's no rhyme or reason to the way my mind works. I guess it's just out there. My problem, however, lies in expressing myself. Sometimes I can just say what I want, and sometimes you just have to choke it all back in. That's a bastard, and sometimes, well, it just doesn't taste that good anyway....

That's it for now, pretty short on time, and then we also have to wait for the boss to leave so I don't have to keep on looking over my shoulder. But y'know - what the hell. I've put in 109 hours for the last two weeks, and am running up over 40 hours already this week (and it's only Thursday afternoon). If I take some time to scribble away, why should I care?

Blogging interests me... I try to read them every now and then, but the problem is, too many of them are just so fucking boring. What's the point of that? Do you want to put people to sleep? I know, I know, they're supposed to be thought provoking, fostering cultural awareness, making people talk about issues blah blah blah. But you know what? Sometimes that's just too fucking boring.

Oh, that's another ting you will notice re this half-assed attempt at bloggery. Lot's of cursing. I love cursing. I'm good at it, I enjoy it, and waht's more - there are times that it just makes you feel good. Hey - perhaps we'll take up that subject at a later date?

Cool. Well, that's it. It's started. I don't know if I am supposed to share this, or what, so I'll just clean up the roughness, make sure the font's consistent, and "post it".