1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one in a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading intergalactic alien society.
5. It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will all wait patiently and politely to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just a bit bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman... but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
13. it's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.
15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)
17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. (And don't forget - tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed).
3. All bombs are conveniently fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty on orders from the Mayor.
25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
28. When paying a bill you never have to wait for change.
29. No matter how busy the traffic, you will always find a parking spot outside the place you're headed.
30. If you and your friends are in a cabin in the woods in the dead of night and there's a maniac loose outside... always venture out one at a time to investigate any noise.
Friday, May 22, 2009
You Think English Is Easy?
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Well WTF Do We Call It Then?
Interesting news item I stumbled upon... apparently the phrase "War on terror" has been disowned by the current bunch of softies running the show:
Clinton: New team not using 'war on terror' term
By ANNE GEARAN, AP Military Writer Anne Gearan, Ap Military Writer – Mon Mar 30, 5:31 pm ET
THE HAGUE, Netherlands – The phrase "global war on terror" is finished, at least as far as U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is concerned.
The top U.S. diplomat told reporters Tuesday that the Obama administration has quit using that line to describe the effort to fight terrorism around the world.
"The administration has stopped using the phrase and I think that speaks for itself," Clinton said.
Clinton spoke as she headed to Europe for a week of diplomatic meetings. The phrase "war on terror" is widely disliked in Europe and elsewhere overseas, where even close U.S. allies suggested it was overly militaristic and perhaps counterproductive.
It is also now associated with a range of Bush administration policies such as harsh interrogation practices that President Barack Obama has pledged to abandon.
Clinton was asked about the phrase as she headed to Europe for a week of diplomatic meetings.
Pundits have noted the absence of the "war on terror" language, but top administration figures have had little to say on the subject before now.
"I haven't heard it used. I haven't gotten any directive about using it or not using it, it's just not being used," Clinton said.
Then-President George W. Bush used the phrase as a rallying cry after the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks.
Okay then, what do we call it? A bunch of randowm firefights against wooly goatherders from the Northwest Frontier? An Obama/Osama hey-we-should-be-friends-now love-in? A "co-regional multi-ethnic restabilization procedure"? Fuck that. These whacko derka derka jihadi's are terrorists in anyone's books. Look it up:
terrorist
noun
a radical who employs terror as a political weapon; usually organizes with other terrorists in small cells; often uses religion as a cover for terrorist activities
Clinton: New team not using 'war on terror' term
By ANNE GEARAN, AP Military Writer Anne Gearan, Ap Military Writer – Mon Mar 30, 5:31 pm ET
THE HAGUE, Netherlands – The phrase "global war on terror" is finished, at least as far as U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is concerned.
The top U.S. diplomat told reporters Tuesday that the Obama administration has quit using that line to describe the effort to fight terrorism around the world.
"The administration has stopped using the phrase and I think that speaks for itself," Clinton said.
Clinton spoke as she headed to Europe for a week of diplomatic meetings. The phrase "war on terror" is widely disliked in Europe and elsewhere overseas, where even close U.S. allies suggested it was overly militaristic and perhaps counterproductive.
It is also now associated with a range of Bush administration policies such as harsh interrogation practices that President Barack Obama has pledged to abandon.
Clinton was asked about the phrase as she headed to Europe for a week of diplomatic meetings.
Pundits have noted the absence of the "war on terror" language, but top administration figures have had little to say on the subject before now.
"I haven't heard it used. I haven't gotten any directive about using it or not using it, it's just not being used," Clinton said.
Then-President George W. Bush used the phrase as a rallying cry after the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks.
Okay then, what do we call it? A bunch of randowm firefights against wooly goatherders from the Northwest Frontier? An Obama/Osama hey-we-should-be-friends-now love-in? A "co-regional multi-ethnic restabilization procedure"? Fuck that. These whacko derka derka jihadi's are terrorists in anyone's books. Look it up:
terrorist
noun
a radical who employs terror as a political weapon; usually organizes with other terrorists in small cells; often uses religion as a cover for terrorist activities
Hmmm, makes you wonder just who or what the White House folks think we are fighting against. My view? Madeline Albright should have been the President. We'd be done kicking ass and taking names years ago.
And to top it all off, there goes B.O. off to gay old Europe to glad-hand the butt buddies who have done absofuckinglutely nada to help out. Just because they don't like it we won't say it, huh? Way to keep America strong, buddy.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
March Madness - Faces In The Crowd
I'll admit it - even though I'm not much of a b'ball fan, and can't play for shit, there a certain reasons I love this time of year.
Mmmm hmmm - March Madness.
And for some strange reason there's one team I love to root for - the UCLA Bruins. I dunno why, it must be the combination of powder blue and gold, really gets me going.
Oh, and their cheerleader/dance team. I mean, this is college, right?
Yeah, whatever. The thing I also dig is the faces in the crowds - these kinds of pics you always love to look at what's going on behind the scenes. There's always one douchebag too busy texting his girlfriend to notice what's going on (red circle). And you can count on a nother bag of douche who's "too fuckin' cool, bro" to appear like he gives a shit (but is secretly picking the one he wants to spend next semester stalking... he's the dude in with the Mariners cap circled in green):
Yeah, whatever. The thing I also dig is the faces in the crowds - these kinds of pics you always love to look at what's going on behind the scenes. There's always one douchebag too busy texting his girlfriend to notice what's going on (red circle). And you can count on a nother bag of douche who's "too fuckin' cool, bro" to appear like he gives a shit (but is secretly picking the one he wants to spend next semester stalking... he's the dude in with the Mariners cap circled in green):Oh, and close yer fucking legs, pal. Thanks.
Plus, don't forget the old dudes studiously ignoring the fantastic young, um, athletes in front of them:
Ha ha haaaaaaaaaa. Ahem.
Damn, I just read UCLA got beaten by Villanova 89 - 69 this afternoon. Oh well, there's always next year.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Rules for visiting the South Island
Got this from my cousin - had to share as I think it is spot on...
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a Ute because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? SH1 goes north, find it and fuck off.
5. So you have a $80,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Harvesters that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/quail are coming in during the season, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time..
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and duck. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of duck season. It's a religious holiday , we will observe it.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Watties Tomato sauce! Oh, yeah - we don't care what you folks in Ponsonby call that stuff you eat . . IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Rugby is as important here as the All Blacks, the Highlanders and the Crusaders and a heap more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses - but don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
17. For role models refer to the "Mainland Cheese" and "Speights" boys ..... 'good on ya, mate'!
18 A true South Islander will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in the hope you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a Ute because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? SH1 goes north, find it and fuck off.
5. So you have a $80,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Harvesters that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/quail are coming in during the season, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time..
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and duck. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of duck season. It's a religious holiday , we will observe it.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Watties Tomato sauce! Oh, yeah - we don't care what you folks in Ponsonby call that stuff you eat . . IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Rugby is as important here as the All Blacks, the Highlanders and the Crusaders and a heap more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses - but don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
17. For role models refer to the "Mainland Cheese" and "Speights" boys ..... 'good on ya, mate'!
18 A true South Islander will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in the hope you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Nurburgring Nordschleife - one day, my friends, one day...
This place is the Holy Grail...
Finally Road and Track has done a class article on it, and all it's ins and outs. Brilliant stuff.
Take a look at it here:
http://www.roadandtrack.com/article.asp?section_id=10&article_id=7370
Also, take note and memorize the Anatomy of a Lap. You will be tested on it. Please put all your knowledge to the test when watching this vid:
Enjoy!
Finally Road and Track has done a class article on it, and all it's ins and outs. Brilliant stuff.
Take a look at it here:
http://www.roadandtrack.com/article.asp?section_id=10&article_id=7370
Also, take note and memorize the Anatomy of a Lap. You will be tested on it. Please put all your knowledge to the test when watching this vid:
Enjoy!
Tuesday Morning Quarterbacking
First post of the New Year. 
Whoop-de doo. I'd like to thank Sydney, Australia for the great picture. Even though it's Australia, it still looks better than anyone else...
At least five rockets fired from the Gaza Strip landed in Israel on Tuesday, including one that hit the town of Gadera, 28 km (17 miles) from Tel Aviv, police said. A three-year-old girl was wounded.
Apparently that's all that needs to be said on the flip - nothign about how Isreal has faced extinction as a nation for the last 60 years, ongoing persecution, terrorism etc.
Anyway, enough said, or I could go on for hours. Also, I don't want to be portrayed as totally one-eyed, so I'll leave the political discourse up to those peace-brokers out there...
Okay then - wishes for 2009:
1) The US and the rest of the world would get their collective heads out of their asses and realise that the "woes" of the economy are cyclical - even though one or two assholes have betrayed our faith in the system, the system is still there. Let it correct itself.
2) Barrack Obama actually makes a difference. Maybe not in 2009, but at least set the foundation.
3) Leave the automakers alone - they don't need more money because they fucked up. If they want to sell three different sub-species (so to speak) of cars, and they fail, tough shit.
4) My knees stop hurting. Arthritis sucks.
I have a lot of other minor ones that I won't bother you with, but those are some of the biggies.
Also, I have one final thing to share with you all at the beginning of this year:
My name is Chris, and I'm an addict.
I'm addicted to reality TV. I just finished watching the "Ax Men" marathon on History the other day, and last night watched a marathon on A&E - "Intervention", got totally hooked by "Ski Patrol" on TruTV, loved "Whale Wars", miss "The Amazing Race", am jonesing for summer and "Big Brother". want to go tornado-chasing through Kansas with the dudes from "Storm Chasers", shall I continue??? Oh well, at least there's YouTube:
The next one cracks me up - who woulda thought you could get a ticket for skiing too fast? Apparently not this "Yo Dude I'm a Black Diamond douchebag". Best part is at the end when the Ski Patrol fella gives him shit about his tuck position, ha ha ha....
Oh yeah, and don't forget to "BAAAAAAAACK UUUUP!!!!!"
Whoop-de doo. I'd like to thank Sydney, Australia for the great picture. Even though it's Australia, it still looks better than anyone else...Now we have the celebrations out of the way, let's get down to business.
I think 2008 was a rough one. Not just for me personally, but for pretty much everybody. So let's all try to get along, shall we?
Oops, too late. The Middle East is back to its usual shit. I suppose I am pro-Isreali on this, as there is a need to defend themselves, but I would also like to be (at least in some way) pro- Palestinian as well. Like I said, pro-Isreali because what would you do if Thunder Bay started raining rockets down on Grand Marais? What would you do if Nuevo Laredo started bombing the fuck out of Laredo? Yeah, that's right, you would want it to stop, right? Maybe sprinkle in a little counter-battery fire here and there, but just quit it huh? But, on the flip side, you think of the poor Palestinian civilians stuck in the middle, Hamas using their cities as a sheild, then using the omnipresent power of the media to try and win the propaganda war.
Ooooh, there's another touchy subject of mine - the Fourth Estate. Fuck Anderson Cooper and his "AC360" from the Palestinan border. Fuck Wolf Blitzer and all his douchebag cronies he rolls out every time something goes on. Fuck Al-Arabiya, Al-Jazeera and Al-Imaraghedfuchwit (okay, I made that last one up...). In short, fuck the one-sided portrayal of this whole conflict.
Slideshow: Civilian Casualties
Live Report: Doctors claim no militants, only civilans, women and children brought in...
Live Report: Doctors claim no militants, only civilans, women and children brought in...
"Morgues are overflowing... precise figures of civilan casualties unknown..."
Meanwhile, the fact that Hamas is still lobbing roickets into Isreal gets two sentences:
At least five rockets fired from the Gaza Strip landed in Israel on Tuesday, including one that hit the town of Gadera, 28 km (17 miles) from Tel Aviv, police said. A three-year-old girl was wounded.
Apparently that's all that needs to be said on the flip - nothign about how Isreal has faced extinction as a nation for the last 60 years, ongoing persecution, terrorism etc.
Anyway, enough said, or I could go on for hours. Also, I don't want to be portrayed as totally one-eyed, so I'll leave the political discourse up to those peace-brokers out there...
Okay then - wishes for 2009:
1) The US and the rest of the world would get their collective heads out of their asses and realise that the "woes" of the economy are cyclical - even though one or two assholes have betrayed our faith in the system, the system is still there. Let it correct itself.
2) Barrack Obama actually makes a difference. Maybe not in 2009, but at least set the foundation.
3) Leave the automakers alone - they don't need more money because they fucked up. If they want to sell three different sub-species (so to speak) of cars, and they fail, tough shit.
4) My knees stop hurting. Arthritis sucks.
I have a lot of other minor ones that I won't bother you with, but those are some of the biggies.
Also, I have one final thing to share with you all at the beginning of this year:
My name is Chris, and I'm an addict.
I'm addicted to reality TV. I just finished watching the "Ax Men" marathon on History the other day, and last night watched a marathon on A&E - "Intervention", got totally hooked by "Ski Patrol" on TruTV, loved "Whale Wars", miss "The Amazing Race", am jonesing for summer and "Big Brother". want to go tornado-chasing through Kansas with the dudes from "Storm Chasers", shall I continue??? Oh well, at least there's YouTube:
The next one cracks me up - who woulda thought you could get a ticket for skiing too fast? Apparently not this "Yo Dude I'm a Black Diamond douchebag". Best part is at the end when the Ski Patrol fella gives him shit about his tuck position, ha ha ha....
Oh yeah, and don't forget to "BAAAAAAAACK UUUUP!!!!!"
Peace and happy new year.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thankfulness & Tryptophan
Yes, it's that favorite date in November again.
So, once again, ask yourself what you are thankful for. I know, this year, I am especially thankful for my family and my true friends, you know, the ones who gave a shit?
Thanks again (you know who you are...), and have a good nap this afternoon.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Spanish Vocabulary Lesson For Today
CHEESE - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
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